The Polifix: 28th May – 3rd June


In the first of this new weekly update; we have an extraterrestrial David Cameron, a dictator announced as a tourist representative, the world’s most tedious boat race and the return of His Tonyness…

Blair Is Back!

Well, kind of. The ex-Prime Minister was the latest speaker called up at the Leveson Inquiry, so not exactly a rip-roaring comeback. However, Blair produced an eloquent, assured and smooth performance that got the papers waxing lyrical and the court eating out of his hand. (He was, however, quite upset to hear he wouldn’t be getting his usual $250,000 speaking fee).

“Am I not getting paid for this?!”

His feathers were ruffled for a while, by one David Lawley-Wakelin, who snuck into the court and became the world’s politest protester ever, shouting: “excuse me, this man should be arrested for war crimes”. Not as good as the old eggs and shoes throwing it has to be said.

Most pertinent, however, was Blair’s assertion that he had not reigned in Labour’s policy on media ownership in a deal to gain support from Murdoch and his prize jewel, The Sun. Pinocchio. He further denied any suggestion of a special relationship between the two men; a questionable claim considering that he is godfather to Murdoch’s daughter.

Maybe the return of Bliar is more appropriate then?

Mugabe = Tourism Leader

When news began to filter through the internet that Robert Mugabe had been announced as an ambassador for tourism, it seemed like an online joke. Alas, it is not; the UN have officially announced the dictator as an envoy for their World Tourism Office. The question on everyone lips; Why?

This is Robert Mugabe – considered world’s worst dictator in 2010 – who has conducted a reign of terror over Zimbabwe for years, banning homosexuality, kicking out the whites, as well as single-handily destroyed the the country’s economy with current unemployment levels of 85%. He then refused to accept any chance of a defeat in the 2008 election, using violence and coercion to scare the opposition. Anyone fancy a trip to Zimbabwe then?

Mugabe at his best

At 87, he is older than the Queen, so probably not that mobile either. In truth, Mugabe hasn’t actually been given an official title; it was an open letter to many world leaders and as part of the forthcoming 2013 General Assembly. Still, it’s not the best decision ever by the UN and essentially disregards their credibility as a global human rights defender.

Canada have since withdrawn from the body with the belief that it essentially legitimises and endorses the Zimbabwean leader and his ZANU PF party – and their continual corruption and human rights abuses. Hard to disagree. Canada 1 UN 0.

Looking Pasty Osborne…

Another day in office for the coalition and another government U-turn; this time it was the dreaded so-called pasty-tax, leaving Osborne red-faced one again.

The Chancellor proposed in his Budget that food served above room temperature would  have VAT put on to it, bumping up the prices by 20% in order to address an ‘anomaly’ in the system. However, it turns out the British public – especially Cornwall – really like their sausage rolls, pasties and pies with bakers marching on Downing Street and thousands signing petitions.

Take That Osborne

Critics have claimed that the originally policy showed how out of touch the government was with the ‘ordinary people’. It is hard to visualise the PM popping into Greggs on the way back from the office – though Eric Pickles is often seen with a pie-in-hand.

Nonetheless, surely the government backing down, due to lobbying from the public, is good news for democracy. The bad news; well, the policy hasn’t been completely scrapped. The VAT is only removed if the food is left to cool naturally – not if it being kept hot. What exactly constitutes ‘hot’ compared to cooling down ‘lukewarm’, who knows? Maybe take a thermometer in with you next time you pop into the bakers.

Some Boats Sailed Down A River

Well, in fact, it was more like a lot of boats sailed down a river with 1000 taking part. This is, of course, the Diamond Jubilee celebrations which began with the Thames River Pageant.

One million turned up to the event which, in its all flag-waving patriotism and pompous grandeur, differed little from the same cult of personality enjoyed by the supreme leader of North Korea.

The Dynastic Duo

However, the worst part came from the BBC, whose conventional ‘neutral’ and ‘partisan’ nature went out the window, as they produced a programme so gushing and sycophantic about the Royal Family that it could turn the most indifferent watcher into a staunch republican. The Queen even got a compliment for looking like she was having a wonderful time whilst an image was shown of her looking glum and that she couldn’t wait to get home. One speaker even described the ceremony as “democratic”. Pardon?

There was no mention of anti-monarchist protesters; instead, we had reports of ‘Jubilee babies’, dancing in parks and various different angles of the boats intermingled with inane (and inaccurate) commentary. Matt Baker even asked if the Royals needed toilet breaks. Thrilling stuff. Indeed, even national treasure Stephen Fry referred to it as “ming-numbingly tedious” (though, as you will find out soon, he is possibly an alien, so maybe we shouldn’t care what he thinks).

To be fair to the BBC, it is hard to make what is essentially the world’s worst boat race exciting. I mean, if a hermit had switched on the TV; it would have just seemed like an old granny waving at loads of rain-drenched red-white-and-blue people from a big golden boat, which had a load of other smaller boats chasing it … which, to be fair, isn’t far from the truth.

And Finally, The First Alien Prime Minister?    

Oh yes. According to a poll, 1 in every 10 Britons think that David Cameron is an alien. It might have been said as a joke – or maybe because Alien vs. Predator was on TV the other day – but 10% of us apparently feel David Cameron is up there alongside the likes of E.T., Spock and Jar Jar Binks.

He shouldn’t feel too bad though as the poll was from the Daily Star; who only have a readership of around 20 and whose content is made-up of 98.2% ‘babes’, celebrity weddings and pure fabrication (The tabloid once claimed that there was going to be a new Grand Theft Auto based on the shooting of Raoul Moat).

Plus Cheryl Cole, Barack Obama, Fearne Cotton (they might be on to something there), Tom Cruise, David Beckham and even Stephen Fry also made the top ten of ‘possible aliens’. Somehow George Osborne escaped the list, despite the clear signs that he is Darth Vader.

On a more serious note, perhaps the poll was an illustration of how out of touch the Conservatives are – or, at the very least, that a few people took Labour’s London mayor election poster a bit too literally.

The good news is that Cameron did say that he would be open about any extraterrestrial life before he became PM, so maybe we can expect a announcement shortly. Or maybe not; after all, Nick Clegg promised lots of things prior to taking office…

In Other News…

Andy Coulson was charged with perjury over evidence he gave about phone hacking. Ironically, he committed the offense whilst at politician Tommy Sheridan’s own perjury trial.

Mitt Romney clinched the Republican nomination …at last. However, the news was somewhat overshadowed with Donald Trump questioning Obama’s US citizenship for umpteenth time.

And, in Syria, Assad’s security forces continues to reign terror on his citizens with a massacre of 108 people in the Houla region. The Syrian President later denied any responsibility and claimed that “not even monsters” would commit such horrors – clearly history isn’t one of his strong points.

Tune in next Sunday for your weekly political news fix…


Discussion5 Comments

  1. avatar

    ‘One million turned up to the event which, in its all flag-waving patriotism and pompous grandeur, differed little from the same cult of personality enjoyed by the supreme leader of North Korea.’

    A tad extreme, Zander i would love you to experience life under a real dictatorship, millions died of starvation and political assassination, where not supporting ‘dear leader’ would mean less rations and a stint in a re-education camp where death is a high possibility.

    Otherwise not having basic needs met and no freedom, forced by Queen Liz and her hereditary dictatorship really has left our country in the sticks

    Alexander James Green

    Luke, it is supposed to be satire….so clearly the comparison is extreme

    But the fact I made was true: both are dynastic leaders which have are revered for no other reason than their hereditary position and idealised image behind that…I never said that the life experienced by the population of Britain and North Korea was at all comparable; and would never seek to make that point. I was purely suggesting that both are outdated and undemocratic institutions where a position of power and privilege is gained purely by lineage rather than through democratic (or any other sort of) values.

    In fact, you could say its more worrying that the British public turned up to the Jubilee celebrations with such fervour, when compared to the situation of North Korea, as there were no fear of reprisal here, so these people were actively supporting a outdated unmoral farcical head of state (Btw, I’m not an anti-monarchist; just purely make a political point)

    Charlotte Harwood

    If you want something to really irritate you Luke, check this out:

  2. avatar
    Troll of Troll Hall

    Osborne, not Osbourne.

    Alexander James Green

    Ahh yes, bit of an error that one. Fixed it now, so thank you!

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