I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the zombie apocalypse is upon us. I’ll be honest with you, the situation isn’t ideal; millions worldwide have become infected with a deadly virus and, if bitten, you’re going to go the same way.
The worst part is that we don’t know what’s caused it. Perhaps it started from a mutation of Freshers’ Flu, fermented on the sticky depths of Jesters’ floor. Maybe that mould in your housemate’s unwashed mugs finally grew into something more malignant. Either way, it’s happened and you need to act fast before you become zombie-grub. But with hoards of the undead rapidly descending on poor old SO18, where is the best place to weather the storm?
Hartley might seem like the obvious choice – plenty of room, good views, and you could finally get round to planning that dissertation that’s been postponed in favour of watching YouTube’s finest selection of cat videos and occupying a ceaseless vigil of BuzzFeed’s website since early September. But, when it comes to the crunch, how can one possibly differentiate between zombie and fellow student? Lifeless, vacant, and occasionally foaming at the mouth… the average university student pulling an all-nighter is not wholly disimilar to one of our undead companions. Consequently, the risk becomes simply too great.
The Maths Tower
Campus’ wet turd, the Maths Tower, should be considered. The building harks back to a simpler era with its grey semi-anemic appearance, combining the appeal of a day-old Aldi burger with Soviet industrial chique. Surely, this would turn even the most braindead architecture critic loping in the opposite direction. But those stairs? A real problem. I for one would rather have my still-beating heart become someone’s next hot meal than have to walk up ten flights of steps, or, even worse, have to squeeze into that tiny, curiously musky, one-person lift, although it’s worth remembering that what thwarts an unfit university student is likely to be a good obstacle for a zombie with questionable athletic ability too.
Southampton Solent University
A bit of a walk, but not entirely impossible. It’s close to West Quay, for all your last minute shopping needs, and surely if the zombies are attracted to brains they will steer clear of the Solent? (Just kidding, we love you guys).
Off the beaten track somewhat, Avenue should not be overlooked. It’s got a food source in the form of the cafeteria, or should that be cadaver-teria (I cringed myself, as well). Similarly, the extensive film collection provides a great opportunity to brush up on zombie-killing techniques. In no time, even the least seasoned zombie warrior will be able to emerge from the building, popping caps in undead hides Rick Grimes style.
Jubilee Sports Centre
And you thought that the fitness regime was on hold, right? Never. You’re a lazy slob in need of toning, or so says 6 out of 10 zombies in recent clinical studies. Camping out in Jubilee certainly has its advantages, with a bit of ingenuity. Moving all the treadmills to be outwards facing around the building, for example, could provide a nifty repellent that would shunt zombies away from harm’s way, thus keeping any campers safe. And just think of all those free machines!
The Physics Building
Great aerial views, and they have lasers and liquid nitrogen in there. Enough said.
Take your pick, dear reader. Or, better yet, go to Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.