The Corrupt Coalition: Where Britain is Really Broken

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The phrase ‘Broken Britain’ has been the punchy tagline used by The Sun newspaper and the Conservative Party to brand UK society for a few years now. It gives snooty rich people and paranoid old people a nice fat paunch of a phrase to waggle in the face of anyone who has been unfortunate enough to get ensnared in conversation with them. The slogan suggests Britain is some kind of roadkill that was once your favourite puppy. The media acts like a sort of irritated great aunt, you know, the type with the upper lip stubble to rival your Dad’s, who think they can discipline you after seeing the flattened mutt despite only seeing you once every year?

‘Ohhhh look what you’ve done.’ Screeches the shrill voice of The Sun, battering readers each day.  ‘You’ve gone and Broken Britain. Britain is Broken. What is your Mother going to think?’ Her coffee and nicotine tinged teeth inches from your confused mug. The Conservative Party stands hands on hips just behind as the even more irritating friend of the aunt, carpet bag in hand, looking at you like you’re some sort of in-growing toenail that’s learnt to tap dance whilst using a pube as a skipping rope.

The wave of ‘social decay’ rotting the UK from the inside according to Auntie Sun is made up of teenage pregnancy, gang culture, child poverty and ‘binge’ drinking. I’m not for a minute suggesting that these aren’t important issues – but recent events have brought to light the fact that the media and the government are, as we all suspected, not quite within their rights to preach saintly behaviour. Recently the ever shiny rubber David Cameron (sponsored by Mr Sheen) was sweating harder than John Prescott as his chauffer passes a McDonalds Drive-thru after the giant ‘Cash for access’ turd walloped the rotor blades of a helicopter circling Parliament.

To put it bluntly, the Coalition government was taking varying  sums of money in donations to give business leaders, bankers and various other characters with more money than red blood cells private access to different members of the cabinet  in order to influence policy. In short: our coalition government has been engaging in corruption.

It works kind of like the worlds most unappealing brothel. Co-Treasurer Peter ‘trod in the’ Cruddas ushers in the shifty tycoons, licking their lips and rubbing their sweaty palms together – glancing over their shoulders to check the wife hasn’t appeared like the butler in Mr Deeds. They then pay Cruddy Pete and disappear behind a curtain for some private time with their chosen cabinet member, if they pay enough apparently Samantha Cameron will get involved… Whatever your corrupted tastes, the Tory policy-massage parlour will provide – results guaranteed.

We all know about the reasons for the Leveson enquiry into the Phone-Hacking scandal, the diabetes of the waddling chubby media bandwagon that sways the masses with its trans-fatty headlines. Just as corrupt and as underhand as the government and what increasingly resembles the police forces, the media found itself as unfortunately exposed as Madonna’s body in every music video in the past decade. The difference is there is minimal chance of sanctioning the exhibitionist wench.

Yes, there are social problems that need to be dealt with, but how can those suffocating at the bottom of the pile be expected to act as choir boys whilst those at the top are corrupt, self serving and high on their own stench? I hate the phrase ‘Broken Britain’, it promotes snobbery and elitism. The problems faced in the poorest neighbourhoods in the country need immediate attention. Whilst the government is more concerned with cutting taxes for their childhood chums in the city and making sure the old boys are comfortable, will it find a lasting solution? No way. We can only hope that the ‘cash for access’ revelations are not brushed under the carpet, let’s be honest, there probably isn’t much room under there anyway.

In the wake of this years absurdly out of touch budget and ‘cash for access’ scandal it’s become frighteningly clear that the shiny rubber puppet of New Conservatism has the same old hand up its arse. Now we know where the country is in dire need of repair. Now we know where Britain is really broken.

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I study history. I like sport.

Discussion6 Comments

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    And do you think this culture of cash for access began with the coalition? No it did not. Look at Labour and Cash for Honours, it’s rich for any member of the opposition to put the blame soley at Tory doors. Typical lefty waffle from an overly entitled undergraduate. It ain’t the 70s anymore

    Jack Winter
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    I appreciate your response, although I do find your decision to remain anonymous undermines the weight of your argument, along with your presumptuous personal remarks about my background and political alignments… Cheers for reading and responding anyway!

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    David Mendoza-Wolfson

    So much to say about this article Jack, I’ve been told that the best way to leave feedback is a ‘feedback sandwich’, that’s good stuff then not so good stuff and then back to the good…I’ll do that then 🙂

    Firstly, this is brilliantly written – your novels will one day will be page turners 🙂

    Secondly (this bit is the less positive but as the filling I’m afraid it’s quite a hefty section), some of this is fictitious as a novel – so much here is just incorrect or not true so that you can be funny. I’ll start by saying that although the term is an unpleasant one, Britain is broken or at least breaking. Morals have slipped, there is an element of social decay – people today want something for nothing and become enraged when they’re told they have to work for something. Sad really.
    Onto the main part of this article though ‘Cash for access’. The whole scandal is nonsense but your take on it I’m afraid is nonsense to the next degree. I’ll first point out that Cruddas was co-Treasurer of the Tory party and therefore could not offer access to Liberal Democrats, truth is he couldn’t really offer access to anyone. The scandal is wholly about meetings with the Leader of the Party (The Prime Minister) and no other ministers. Large donations for meetings with the leader of a party is not a scandal – it’s quite well advertised actually ( http://www.conservatives.com/Donate/Donor_Clubs.aspx – scroll to the bottom)!
    There are corrupt Politicians, there are corrupt everything, but in the large the Coalition is certainly not corrupt – and certainly not even an iota as corrupt as the Labour Party were when they were in government or even now whereby they bend to the will of the unions.
    Cash for access won’t be swept under a carpet for there is nothing to sweep, the story is a nothing.

    Third part…erm, like a said…it’s a good read! (oh and thanks for not talking about Pasties – that topic is equally benign)

    Jack Winter
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    Well I’m happy to have written something that’s provoked a response! Thank you for the kind predictions on my future haha!

    I’m glad to see you’ve responded – I would expect nothing less from my favourite Tory. Thanks for going easy on me hahaha!

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    Hey David, you make some good points and Jack may have taken some license with the facts for the sake of humour, but your contention that Britain is ‘broken’ or ‘breaking’ is as much conjecture as Jack’s suggestion that it isn’t as ‘broken’ as we’re lead to believe. I don’t believe there is a decline in moral values or social decay, on the contrary, people are getting nicer. There are problems, but there’s always been problems. Our kids our on the street, but atleast they’re not losing their limbs in giant Industrial mechanisms. Look on the bright side, David.

    I applaud your considered approach to criticism, the Wessex Scene is a place to learn and grow as a writer.

    David
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    I like the use of ‘Coalition’ government when its clear most of this article is written about Tory practices / ideologies / events.

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