The phrase ‘Broken Britain’ has been the punchy tagline used by The Sun newspaper and the Conservative Party to brand UK society for a few years now. It gives snooty rich people and paranoid old people a nice fat paunch of a phrase to waggle in the face of anyone who has been unfortunate enough to get ensnared in conversation with them. The slogan suggests Britain is some kind of roadkill that was once your favourite puppy. The media acts like a sort of irritated great aunt, you know, the type with the upper lip stubble to rival your Dad’s, who think they can discipline you after seeing the flattened mutt despite only seeing you once every year?
‘Ohhhh look what you’ve done.’ Screeches the shrill voice of The Sun, battering readers each day. ‘You’ve gone and Broken Britain. Britain is Broken. What is your Mother going to think?’ Her coffee and nicotine tinged teeth inches from your confused mug. The Conservative Party stands hands on hips just behind as the even more irritating friend of the aunt, carpet bag in hand, looking at you like you’re some sort of in-growing toenail that’s learnt to tap dance whilst using a pube as a skipping rope.
The wave of ‘social decay’ rotting the UK from the inside according to Auntie Sun is made up of teenage pregnancy, gang culture, child poverty and ‘binge’ drinking. I’m not for a minute suggesting that these aren’t important issues – but recent events have brought to light the fact that the media and the government are, as we all suspected, not quite within their rights to preach saintly behaviour. Recently the ever shiny rubber David Cameron (sponsored by Mr Sheen) was sweating harder than John Prescott as his chauffer passes a McDonalds Drive-thru after the giant ‘Cash for access’ turd walloped the rotor blades of a helicopter circling Parliament.
To put it bluntly, the Coalition government was taking varying sums of money in donations to give business leaders, bankers and various other characters with more money than red blood cells private access to different members of the cabinet in order to influence policy. In short: our coalition government has been engaging in corruption.
It works kind of like the worlds most unappealing brothel. Co-Treasurer Peter ‘trod in the’ Cruddas ushers in the shifty tycoons, licking their lips and rubbing their sweaty palms together – glancing over their shoulders to check the wife hasn’t appeared like the butler in Mr Deeds. They then pay Cruddy Pete and disappear behind a curtain for some private time with their chosen cabinet member, if they pay enough apparently Samantha Cameron will get involved… Whatever your corrupted tastes, the Tory policy-massage parlour will provide – results guaranteed.
We all know about the reasons for the Leveson enquiry into the Phone-Hacking scandal, the diabetes of the waddling chubby media bandwagon that sways the masses with its trans-fatty headlines. Just as corrupt and as underhand as the government and what increasingly resembles the police forces, the media found itself as unfortunately exposed as Madonna’s body in every music video in the past decade. The difference is there is minimal chance of sanctioning the exhibitionist wench.
Yes, there are social problems that need to be dealt with, but how can those suffocating at the bottom of the pile be expected to act as choir boys whilst those at the top are corrupt, self serving and high on their own stench? I hate the phrase ‘Broken Britain’, it promotes snobbery and elitism. The problems faced in the poorest neighbourhoods in the country need immediate attention. Whilst the government is more concerned with cutting taxes for their childhood chums in the city and making sure the old boys are comfortable, will it find a lasting solution? No way. We can only hope that the ‘cash for access’ revelations are not brushed under the carpet, let’s be honest, there probably isn’t much room under there anyway.
In the wake of this years absurdly out of touch budget and ‘cash for access’ scandal it’s become frighteningly clear that the shiny rubber puppet of New Conservatism has the same old hand up its arse. Now we know where the country is in dire need of repair. Now we know where Britain is really broken.