As I was brewing up my morning coffee I was wondering what the news of our world would be, any developments in the Philippines, Syria or Afghanistan? Any MPs been claiming drugs on expenses? Who have the NSA been watching undress this week? Not this time. The first story I came across was entitled: ‘The Church of Scientology’s new $145m complex has generated more in fundraising than it cost’.
According to The Independent, this ‘“Super Power” programme’ is the cult’s ‘most important programme to date’ (behind, that is, the Starship Enterprise and the Death Star). What has been built in Clearwater, Florida is the new Scientology HQ and one particular description of the interior is as follows: “Miscavige’s office is at the top of the building on the seventh floor, while on the sixth is a running track, where Scientologists are expected to run in circles until they attain enlightenment… On the same level is a sauna, where parishioners can enjoy a ‘purification rundown’”. No ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, this is not a country club but a place of worship that looks more like a location out of The Hunger Games than a modern edifice.
Calling Scientology a ‘serious thing’ is akin to calling Kim Kardashian’s sex tape ‘good’. Neither can be taken as truth. Scientology is closer to a synopsis of a Paul Mckenna book, whilst it’s ‘ideas’ are explained as if spoken by a true politician; without clarity or any actual message. It promotes the idea of a self-help system called ‘Dianetics’, conjuring imagery of the Family Guy episode in which Brian writes a best-selling self-help book whereby the majority of the book contains blank pages, which in turn further pertains to a deep-rooted cultural difference between Britain and the US. Look at most American shows and a common theme is self-enhancement, whilst if you look at most British shows those founding fathers of the British psyche, cynicism and defeatism, shine through brighter than Heidi Montag’s teeth.
The thing with Scientology is that it represents a recent cultural trend in the West. Due to the widespread realisations across the West that God isn’t all he’s cracked out to be in that biography of his (or real), a lot of people are looking for ways to fill that spiritual gap, be it through yoga, Hinduism (one of the personal let-downs of the ever-enchanting Russell Brand), believing in horoscopes or cults such as the Church of Scientology. Part-time actor and full-time donator Tom Cruise really needs to get back to making (minus War of the Worlds) mediocre films and realise that this hullabaloo will not make him taller than the height of any of his next wife’s breasts.
The cult’s founder Ron L. Hubbard is known to have said that ‘Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion’. This is both a business and evidence that Scientology is to credibility as Anne Widdicombe is to fun: unmatchable. Supporters of Scientologists please drop your wallets, drop your Porsche keys, drop your Fifty Shades of Grey and put your money towards a phenomenon that needs and deserves it: Science. This where you’ll find actual ways to better yourself and the planet we inhabit.