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After the last holy quest to discover the brand of crisps to use in sandwiches for that optimum eating experience, I discovered to my disappointment that no one had been able to match Walkers and that all crisp companies needed to step up their game. But alas, curiosity once more gets the better of me and I find myself needing further proof.
This time, we take a different track. I get three lucky individuals (who may or may not be my poor long-suffering family members) and subject them to eating various flavours of crisps in sandwiches, before marking them out of five each time, taking the average. As usual, we are using white bread (we are Southern after all) and butter (or sunflower spread if one must be technical). The reason why I myself am not doing it? I have a favourite flavour of crisps. My family, however, to the best of my knowledge do not.
First up, is Ready Salted, the variety that took the crown last time out. As I serve it up to my volunteers, they look at me with a disappointment I haven’t seen since I told them I wasn’t taking the Eleven-Plus. They seem reasonably satisfied by it in terms of taste, but it is very dry and the saltiness isn’t great on its own. Once the scores are tallied, it seems Ready Salted scores a distinctly average 3.
Next up is Cheese and Onion. Great for a soup flavouring, but what about in a sandwich? I am genuinely unsure as to whether this will be genius or awful, but the way people’s faces screw up afterwards, it seems to be the latter. I may as well have just given them a raw onion to eat apparently. The score is 2.
I decide to switch things up and head to the Roast Chicken crisps. The smell out of the bag is the most appealing one thus far, but there is a shortage of crisps in one bag and I am forced to procure another one before we can continue. Once they start eating, I finally get some satisfied noises, and also a yelp after a trident shaped rogue potato chunk stabs a subject. Despite this violence, it still scores a satisfying 4.
Variety is the spice of life, and Walkers have a new promotion on right now, crisps that are flavoured with Heinz sauces. Exciting! I decide that it is worth trying the Bacon and Ketchup variety. Opening the bag distinctly smells of very little, but after the tasting, it is agreed it does taste somewhat of bacon. No one is quite sure where the ketchup comes into it, however. The 3 seems generous.
Walkers is famed for their wide choice, and next up is the Baked Salt and Vinegar brand. The crinkle edges are supposed to enhance and lock in the flavour, and it does seem that we can at least all agree that these crisps do taste of salt and vinegar. In-between two slices of buttered bread, however, that isn’t exactly the greatest combo. The sharp acid and the cloying salt really doesn’t work, and as result, it scores a 1. It seems harsh on reflection, but I cannot interfere.
Back to normal crisps, and the penultimate turn is the turn of Beef and Onion. The staple filling of many a Cornish Pasty, the general consensus appears to be that it will work well in a sandwich- possibly because it is actually something one might fill a normal one with. This consensus seems to fit well with the table, who all seem to quite like the flavour and taste. Is it worth the mythical coveted 5? No, it still falls short with a four.
And so, we come to our final option in our less-than-magnificent seven. The wildcard. The Wotsit. As a kid, I always loved having these in one of my sandwiches, preferably a ham one. However, I am reminded why I hate them nowadays, as I find my hands turning the familiar shade of orange, akin to an infection in a bad horror film as I open the packet. The aerated nature of the puffed cheese lumps does show, the bread becomes dyed and crunchy very quickly. The cheese taste is lost in the taste of crunch, and I find myself washing my hands afterward trying to remove the colour. A two is the final rating.
So, as we conclude, I find myself disappointed. The childhood nostalgia of the Wotsits now taunts me like a bad life choice- one of many to be frank. Roast Chicken comes out on top this time, but I can’t help but feel this investigation is incomplete, like the Ripper murders it is still unsolved, unfinished. But, I have eaten, and subjected people to too many crisp sandwiches of varying flavour and brand recently. The final chapter will have to be postponed.
(ALL OF THIS IS STILL OPINION, PLEASE DON’T HURT ME)