Satire Sundays: Royal Sycophants Lead to 1 Trillion Per Cent Increase in Number of Women in UK Called Megan Receiving Marriage Proposals


In astonishing developments in the wake of Prince Harry’s engagement with American actress, Meghan Markle (pictured together below), the number of women in the UK called Meghan, or variants thereof, who have received marriage proposals, has increased by 1 trillion per cent.

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Statisticians from the ‘Institute of Pointless Statistics’ have confirmed following extensive social media and communications analysis, that a section of the British public which fawningly copies the Royal Family in every way possible continues to exist, defying Darwin’s theory of natural selection and survival of the fittest.

In the latest trend confirming this British demographic sub-section’s continued existence, there has been a 1 trillion per cent increase over the past week in the number of marriage proposals received by women called Meghan (and variants thereof).

While in some cases the proposals were well-received, most individuals called Meghan (and variants thereof) have been terrified by the unwanted attention. Speaking exclusively to Wessex Scene, one Meghan told us how it has severely affected her daily routine:

Before Harry’s [sic]engagement, I was just a normal person, living out my life. Ever since then, my life’s changed and I’ve been harassed by men and women kneeling before me and asking me to marry them. I can’t even answer the door to the postwoman for fear of her trying to put a ring on it [gestures to ring finger]because she knows my name and that I’m a single lady.

The government has instituted extraordinary measures to requisition homes as Meghan (and variants thereof) refuge centres for individuals particularly traumatised by the sudden spate of marriage proposals they’ve received. Other drastic measures taken by affected women to avoid the marriage proposals have been to flee the country or to rename themselves Kevin, because no British Royal is going to marry a Kevin, right?

The trend follows previous occurrences of the British Royal Family’s actions being sickeningly imitated. For example, the ‘Kate Middleton Effect’ is a known fashion phenomenon where anything the Dutchess of Cambridge wears suddenly become the clothing item of absolute necessity to wear, more important to acquire than ending world hunger. Meanwhile, almost every time a royal baby is announced, there is a traditional surge in retail spending on baby-related products and a subsequent increase further down the line in the number of patients for NHS midwifery services to cope with.

Responding to the Meghan (and variants thereof) marriage proposal trend, known republican Eric Senza-Amici commented: ‘Another year goes by and the Royal Family remains excessively toadied upon, by a portion of the British public. One day, the republican dream of ‘Rexit’ will be reality’.

Speaking to Wessex Scene, one participant in the try to marry a Meghan (or variants thereof) craze, Harry Sandringham commented:

Lacking independent spirit and having no meaning to our lives, ultimately people like myself have to copy whatever recent actions members of the Royal family have taken. For example, only last Sunday I was settling into my Seraphine maternity dress again, making sure it fitted for spring.

It remains to be seen how long individuals named Meghan (and variants thereof) will have to remain indoors and out of sight while the marriage proposal craze grips the nation.


Editor 2018-19 | International Editor 2017/18. Final year Modern History and Politics student from Bedford. Drinks far too much tea for his own good.

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