Satire Sunday: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Under Investigation by The DEA

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Wessex Scene can exclusively reveal that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is under investigation by the US Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA).

It is understood that Rudolph was implicated in cocaine and other narcotic smuggling activities during the 1980s and ’90s, operating predominantly from Colombia. Although it’s important to stress that whilst the allegations remain as yet unproven, some compelling evidence has been cited for the DEA’s special branch investigation into Rudolph’s past.

Firstly, there’s speculation that Rudolph has abused his long-standing prominent role in the Santa Claus Christmas Corporations Ltd (SCCCL). This has principally been the case via the paying of annual bribes or ‘gifts’ necessary to assist the drug smuggling organization, but it’s also understood that the special visa arrangements granted to members of SCCCL to enable Santa to travel the globe in 12 hours may have been exploited as well.

Secondly, our closest DEA source said that it simply could not be a ‘mere coincidence’ that known Colombian drug smuggler and criminal, Pablo Escobar, who was killed in 1993, shared being known for a notable facial feature like Rudolph. Of course, in Rudolph’s case, it is the red nose, while Escobar was documented in many a photo with a large moustache.

Finally, most damning of all is the theory that Rudolph’s red nose actually derives from trying too much of the products he is alleged to have smuggled in the 1980s and ’90s. Nasal inhalation is a common way to imbibe narcotics and drugs like cocaine are known for severe, life-changing side-effects.

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Santa Claus (pictured above) has yet to comment on the allegations into Rudolph’s possible past side business. This is probably for the best as Santa’s name has already been tarnished for many by the fact he was present on British TV screens in the 1970s. An elf spokesman unofficially confirmed that the reason for the lack of comment from Santa was more to do with the fact he may not exist and is merely a societal construct designed to lull children into the false sense of security that the world is alright really, rather than any company human resources guidance, or injunctions brought about by Rudolph.

One elf spoke to Wessex Scene anonymously about their take on the DEA investigation:

Rudolph is always sticking his nose in some kind of white stuff, so it was only a matter of time before allegations surfaced that he’d been inhaling more than just snow.

It is understood that the makers of the hit Netflix series, Narcos, are watching the DEA’s work closely with an eye on who to cover in Series 5. The DEA investigation continues.

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Editor 2018-19 | International Editor 2017/18. Final year Modern History and Politics student from Bedford. Drinks far too much tea for his own good.

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