Satire: Jamie Oliver to Ban Himself


In his latest crusade against all foods good and holy in the world, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has called for a ban on himself.

Publicly unsung for sending school lunches into turmoil by terminating Turkey Twizzlers, Jamie Oliver has long been on an operation to rid the UK of foods sugary and tasty. Recently, Oliver was slammed in news headlines for recommending a milkshake recipe containing 6x the daily limit of sugar, while demanding that the sugar levy be extended to include milkshakes. As a result of the blunder, Oliver has taken the only option: a ban on himself.

The injunction comes as Oliver also calls for bans on 2-4-1 pizza deals and the extermination of the poor. Evidently, everyone on the Jamie Oliver health food fight enjoys pricing the deprived out of pizza entirely. While claiming he wants everyone to eat better, he seems to only be focussed on making the food people want to eat more expensive, and not making the green stuff somewhat affordable.

It is also unfortunate that Oliver runs a chain of ordinary, overpriced, outdone by Dominos, Italian restaurants; yet he is telling people what sort of pizza they should eat, but not for long.

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No one is quite sure yet as to what this verdict entails, but rumour has it that you’d better burn your prize copy of 15 minute meals (which can I just say, should have been long banned, they take a solid 25 minutes, I’m not Ainsley Harriott), before the police come knocking. You also better cancel your reservation to Jamie’s Italian this Saturday as this could constitute as a violation of the law. Furthermore, anyone seen to have Jamie’s Comfort Food in their Sky+ planner may well be brought in for questioning.

Unofficially knighted ‘salad shagger’ Jamie Oliver declined to comment.


Second year politics student from Northampton

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