Week Five: Lucifer and the Law

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Wednesday 19th October

As some of you may be able to tell, a large amount of time has passed since my last entry. We have skipped three weeks and ended in the latter part of October. I would like to say that this is because I discovered and perfected the art of time-travel.

Unfortunately I have not (otherwise I would be rocking the seventies with a tight white catsuit and an afro). The house-mates just failed to do anything interesting for about three weeks. You just can’t get the staff these days.

Today however, has seen the subject of crime enter the house.

There are many crimes that my housemates should be prosectuted for; for one, Worzel’s continuing trend of walking topless around the house and parading his plate nipples to the world and its mother.

God bless you Google images. Always there to convey a metaphor.

Or the fact that Charlie’s hair is receding at five times the legal speed limit. I’ve seen people pulled over for less.

No, today sees a police officer who looks suspiciously like Vin Diesel arrive at our door. In a state of panic, I run through all the illegal things I could have possibly done in the last week and conclude I’m safe. It turns out he just wants to know if we saw a crime occur that day near our house. Just in case he is Vin Diesel, I invite him in to speak to the rest of the house.

The same look of panic crosses my friends’ faces as I take Vin into the lounge. All except Ginger, who is asleep in a chair. He questions everyone before asking Ginger. We shout to try and wake her, and after thirty seconds, she awakens, does a double take and asks us why there is a police officer in our house.

As tempting as it was to tell her it was because of her antics the previous night, I let Vin question her without incident. Turns out when we were shouting her, he thought she was just ‘very hard of hearing’.

Everyone laughs, presumably out of fear that we will end up like the bad guys in xXx if we don’t.

Say what you want about The Pacifier, this guy is so manly he'd impregnate you at ten paces.

Friday 21st October

The student life is taking its toll on the household. Not wanting to spend money on heating, we have refrained from warming the house through this long, cold October. Johnny and Worzel seem fine; the former is used to this weather coming from the barren tundras of Eastern Europe, and the latter has fashioned a coat out of several (non-endangered) local animals to survive the harsh winter.

I am now so cold my testicles have taken up residence in my torso to hide from the cold. Ginger’s hair, once a vibrant, flaming mass of locks, has turned dull and lifeless.

So imagine my displeasure when I find Barbie has been hoarding an electric heater in her room.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Which is quite handy, because I’m bloody freezing.

Sunday 23rd October

I have grown accustomed to jumping at the sight of flatmates when they walk around the corner in the house. We live in a substantially sized house, so you never quite know where people are.

Case in question: today I awake, and, in a state of half-asleep delirium, make my way to the the bathroom.

I brush my teeth, expecting nothing out of the ordinary. Today is just a normal day.

So imagine my horror when I turn around and find that the Dark Lord himself is standing behind me, ready to reap my soul and send me to hell for an eternity of torture and damnation. How do I react?

I pooped a little.

Ready to scream and beg forgiveness and proclaim ‘take any one of my housemates BUT ME’, my eyes adjust to the dark and I realise the fiery overlord in front of me is none other than Charlie. In an all-in-one devil suit.

In my haste to sacrifice my flatmates, I forgot that we all bought a onesie to keep warm.

So the terrifying figure before me is just simply a guy in a devil suit with a beard.

Thanks again Google.

NEXT WEEK…

Football season begins for the gentlemen of the household, Ginger starts planning for motherhood, and a trip to the gym with Johnny nearly causes Sam to develop depression.

 

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