A Formal Education in Looney Tunes


One of my embarrassing (or awesome, depending on whichever way you look at it) interests in life is watching old cartoons. When you used to watch Tom and Jerry or old Tex Avery cartoons as a child, you never thought the madcap antics they got up to could ever relate to real life. Which was a shame really, because now I have no use for my collection of old anvils.

Such a shame, because I had some beauties.

However, watching them over again as an adult, I have noted that the Looney Tunes contain some fantastic life lessons that I will no doubt be teaching my kids. So, in true Samaritan style, I thought I’d share them with everyone!

1. Never give up on your dreams

If your child ever feels down and depressed because they have just realised that they may not become the cowboy/footballer/crocodile wrestler that they always dreamed of, fear not! Just show them a Wile E. Coyote cartoon and watch as their little faces are inspired instantly!

Inspire or expire. Either is appropriate.

Since 1949, that wily old desert-dog has been chasing the same Road Runner, in over 40 cartoons. And in that time, he has never achieved his goal once! Yet through a seemingly bottomless bank-balance, and a ridiculously unreliable mail order company, he still continues to strive towards his first meal in over 50 years. Sure, he could spend his money on three meals a day instead of all those zany ACME inventions, but the point is he’s never given up. And for that we salute you Mr Coyote. You are a worthy hero for all ages.

2. Troublemakers will get what they deserve

At some point in your struggle through parenthood, your child will inevitably come to you with a problem. This problem may be a troublemaker at school, who seems to want to make your child’s life a living misery. But once again, those kind folks at Warner Bros. have given you a fantastic guide to informing your kids that those little sods will come off worse eventually.

Like laughing out of the wrong side of their face! Ha! See what I did there?

In every cartoon that Daffy Duck tries to terrorise Bugs Bunny in, we see the feathered fiend shot, exploded, and flattened as all of his trouble-making backfires on him. Your child will be so happy that little Billy the Bully will eventually meet the same end that you’ll never hear them complain again!

3. Impudence will help you become an international icon

Is your child worried that they are unpopular? Do they need that extra boost to their self-esteem that comes from being loved and adored by masses of people? Then surely they need only look to one of history’s cheekiest chappies, Bugs Bunny! Flying gloriously in the face of authority his whole career, telling your child to imitate this lovable rogue will surely enhance their reputation!

Preferably by kissing short bald men.

Teachers, policemen, judges, criminal gangs; watch them all melt at your child’s delightful impishness whenever he/she crosses them! And like old Bugsy, see how there are absolutely no repercussions to their behaviour; no detention/arrests/sentences/death by uzi. What could possibly go wrong?

4. Never go into business with someone who has a speech impediment

Finally, just as you thought that the Looney Tunes could not give you any sound business advice… They come up with a stellar pointer that no aspiring entrepreneur should ignore!  Whether for you or your children, aspiring to this one golden rule should ensure your success in the market for years on end!

Lithen carefully, what I am about to thay ith very important…

That’s right, those sneaky folks at Warner Towers couldn’t pull the wool over our eyes. Clearly, all the characters with speech impediments in the realm of the Looney Tunes are the most unsuccessful people. Elmer Fudd suffers from rhotacism, while Daffy Duck and Sylvester the Cat both have severe lisps.

What can we take from this? That’s right! Never, ever, go into business with someone who has a speech impediment, as they’ll only help you to fail harder than a fat kid on a rollercoaster.

Thanks, Looney Tunes!

N.B. After showing this to a friend of mine, they have told me never to have children. So I hope whoever reads this can continue my hard work instead. Thanks!



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