Man’s Best Fiend?

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Dog Shaming. The new blog, which details the awful habits of the animal as they innocently look to the camera, went viral almost instantly and is intended as a light-hearted exploration of some of the reasons dog isn’t always man’s best friend. The frustration, annoyance and defeat experienced by each owner is palpable even through a handwritten sign, but the website ultimately invites the reader to look beyond the ‘shaming’ to the dog underneath.. so that then we may presumably collectively exclaim “Oh, well he may throw up in the oven, but om nom nom isn’t he just SO CUTE!?”

Now, I hate to admit it (especially on the internet where animals are often held up as some sort of deity) but this website only serves to bring out the dog sceptic in me. It’s here that I should probably point out that to date I’ve owned only an unimpressive collection of fish and a distinct lack of sentimentality, but it would still seem that blaming dogs for the fact that I don’t like them is far more convenient than say, blaming myself.

I find this website manages to reinforce everything that has ever irritated me (and things I didn’t even know irritated me) about dogs. I simply cannot see beyond the shaming, however hard I try. So add all this together and what do you get? A compilation (by no means definitive) of the reasons why I wont be supporting Team Dog any time soon:

1. Dogs hate everything you own.

Like a happy marriage.

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Dogs hate your personal space.

Your ex did this. And look how that turned out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Dogs begrudge you the pleasure of receiving post.

Oh, so you like giant clichés? well, EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Dogs still think ‘opposite day’ is a thing.

That’s hilarious! Oh wait, no it’s not. Two can play at that game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Dogs are inconsiderate.

Look! He’s crying BLOOD. On your BRAND NEW CARPET.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Dogs are attention seeking.

Well if no-one’s looking, then how do they know? You wrote that sign yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Dogs have no respect for your authority.

You wont even LOOK ME IN THE EYE when you tell me that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Dogs aren’t cats.

That is fucking adorable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a possibility I haven’t made this very clear, but I WANT to like dogs. I really do. And just so that there can be no doubt over this fact, nor the calibre of this thoroughly well-researched project, I underwent a lengthy process to try and understand the argument from the other side:

  1. Open a new tab.
  2. Type ‘nice dog quotes’ into Google.
  3. Click the first link.

But in all honesty, it seemed to me that every sentimental quote about the ideal of dogdom was all too easily torn apart by its inescapable reality. A reality which had been demonstrated time and time again by the Dog Shaming blog.

The sentiment:

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face” – Ben Williams

The reality:

WANNA LICK?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Ben. That’s not psychiatry. And if you think it is, I would talk to someone about that.

The sentiment:

“A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than you love yourself” – Josh Billings

The reality:

The greatest love you’ll ever know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you manage to obtain it, just don’t visit the same psychiatrist Ben’s been seeing.

The sentiment: 

“The more I see of man, the more I like dogs” – Mme. de Stael

The reality:

Word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, God. Don’t you just HATE it when your friends pretend there’s more to life?

And so concludes my journey. Even though we may not have exactly reached any sort of meaningful destination, at least we can all say we learnt something along the way. For instance, you learnt that in the place of my heart lies a congealed mass of stale Scooby snacks. And I? I learnt that I’m a cat person.

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