Time Lords: A Beatles Conspiracy

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Before you read the rest of this article – I just want to make it clear the hypothesis that follows does not (despite the title) involve Paul and John laying the smackdown on any Daleks or Cybermen. Sorry. I won’t be arguing that Eleanor Rigby and Father Mackenzie are people from the future plotting to destroy the world and then thwarted by team J.P, and I certainly won’t be arguing that the late Pope John Paul was in fact the result of an attempt to fuse Lennon and Macca. No no! This is a very reasoned and feasible theory.

Picture the world in the year 2065, assuming I haven’t been kidnapped and ‘disappeared’ by the government for exposing this secret I will be the grand old age of 73. The world economy will have all the life of a dinner party hosted by Gareth Barry, the climate will be so messed up that people are getting crippling sunburn in Ireland, and all music will be reduced to a constant atonal note with the sound of Justin Bieber (who would be 71 by the way) violently masturbating over the top. This could indeed be the fate we are all doomed to should my theory about the truth behind The Beatles be true. (Which it could well be).

I’m not basing this on pure fabrication by the way; three nights ago I was lying in bed unable to sleep when a man appeared at my bedroom door. This all sounds a little bit like a dodgy slap bass soundtrack should kick in about now but it wasn’t like that, the man was John Lennon. He spoke to me telepathically, explaining the reason the world will be doomed to end and that I should expose the web of lies surrounding Macca. His lips didn’t actually move, but I know it was him. Let’s be honest, my brain wouldn’t be able to conjure up somebody that good, I’d probably just about manage the keyboard player from the Arctic Monkeys who was never even part of the band. Even then I’m pretty sure he’d just complain he was lost or something… But I digress!

John was actually a member of a group of musical scientists from an alternative future, having created time travel they decided to gather together the best songs written since the 1950s and learn them. After learning them they jumped into their time machine known as ‘The B.E.A.T.L.E’ (Beta Extension Advancement Time Lapse Engine) and gave themselves a ticket to the late 1950s, simultaneously splitting the fabric of time and creating an alternative path of reality. After immersing themselves in mid-20th century Liverpudlian culture John, Paul and George made friends with a simple drummer called Richard who thought it was a good idea to change his name to Ringo so he sounded cooler. They never told him their secret.

The band then set about gradually smacking the world with the best songs written over the next sixty years before they had even been thought of, leaving the future looking bleak. They reaped the riches and rewards of many talented musicians from the future’s work. John told me that they actually took a great deal from Bob Dylan’s later work, explaining his gradual fade into mediocrity since his prime. This part of his story actually explains why music is sounding increasingly the same and lacks the same charismatic pull of the past (see LMFAO, The Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha etc). The Beatles effectively stole the future of music and spaffed it out over in a condensed period of time for their own ends, upsetting the natural progression of the human race. We are now headed towards disaster on all fronts.

Having realised what they had done, John, Paul and George arranged to fake their deaths and travel back to their future where they could shirk the responsibility of what they had done. They distributed their remaining songs to people like Michael Jackson, Bob Marley and One Direc… wait. He didn’t have time to list them all.

I know Paul ‘isn’t dead’, but how do you explain his clear decline in quality and ability in recent years? The musical scientists known as The Beatles used their knowledge from the future to build and android McCartney to watch over their legacy and make sure that Ringo never figured anything out. He still to this day believes his best and only friends are dead.

They left us with a breaking robot to wheel out at national events, distinctly less good music and perhaps even a premature end to the human race. There’s always the chance that I might be wrong though…

 

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I study history. I like sport.

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