Efficiency: A Very Male Characteristic

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For most of my life, I’ve had to deal with being told I’m not very efficient, organised, etc. The alarming trend in this (very fair) observation is that it seems to be mostly, if not exclusively, women who call me up on this fact. My mother, girlfriend, female friends; any womanly presence who spends long enough getting to know me will attest to the fact that my room is a tip, my work is all over the place, and I have to be nagged into sorting my life out.

The megaphone came before the brutal beatings.

So, in true passive-aggressive, modern world style, I thought I’d take my frustration out on the internet. I know it’s not just me, gents – we men find it hard to be taken seriously in this world of hyper-organised females. But I have thought of some ways in which we are very capable, coordinated beings. So the next time your mother, wife, girlfriend, or live-in housekeeper tries to tell you you’re a useless, smelly waste of space, try these on for size. You just have to read between our lines a little…

1. There’s a reason we don’t multitask

Multitasking (or to call it by its proper name, showing-off) has somehow become a stick to beat men with. Ever since one psychological study proved women are the more proficient multitasking gender, any argument I seem to have regarding the battle of the sexes always comes down to: ‘Yes, but we can multitask!’

Laughing ladies
‘HA! Bet they didn’t see that one coming! One-nil ladies.’

Truth is, multitasking is stressful. Why work on several things at once, with varying levels of quality, when you can focus on one and complete it to the best of your ability? In fact, this article debates the merits of multitasking due to the way our brain deals with different situations. Put your drinks and party-poppers down ladies, we’re fighting back. WITH SCIENCE.

2. We don’t lose things, we’re victims of a global conspiracy

To this day, I maintain whenever I ask someone where anything is, I haven’t lost it, but someone has moved it from EXACTLY the spot where I put it five minutes/hours/years ago. A particular case in question is my football boots at home. Every time I come back from playing, I put them in a specific place. This place may change week by week, but it is a place that I will remember. Yet by the next week, my goal-grabbing beauties have gone AWOL.

And I’ll be damned if it was the shoe goblins, because I haven’t believed in them since I was fifteen.

My mum maintains I’ve not looked properly every time, yet every week they’re in the cupboard under the stairs. Not where I put them, not where I remembered putting them, and not where they should be. If I leave something somewhere, I should find it where I left it. This is sheer logic. Moving things without telling us just throws us men into a mad frenzy; if our shoes can’t be trusted to be kept in place, how can the economy be saved, how can gravity work, and what’s stopping us from hurtling millions of miles an hour into the sun!?

I can’t find a fancy-pants study to back me up, but I know you’re all in on it girls. Every last one of you.

3. Cleaning is holding us back

I generally consider myself a clean person. I shower regularly, wash my hands after going to the toilet, and do the washing up. But sometimes, being bogged down in the mire that is cleaning the house stops us from achieving the really important things in life.

Like guiding Brøndby to back-to-back Danish league titles on Football Manager. AM I RIGHT FELLAS?

It truly pains me that some people may never know the joy of walking into a living room the morning after pizza night, and feasting on the leftover slice that gives you the energy to kick-start your day. Who knows what great men may have achieved if they were able to live like that instead of having their house ‘cleaned’ for them? Alexander Graham Bell might have invented the mobile phone years earlier, Nikola Tesla might have perfected being able to shoot lightning out of his fingers, and Eddie Murphy might never have lost his funny.

4. We know when we need to recharge

Napping, sleeping in late, sleeping through lectures; let’s face it, everyone loves a good sleep. Yet apparently, wanting to go to sleep after sex is a no-no. This is a widely reported flaw of man within the female community; comediennes, ‘girl-talk’, even AskMen have weighed in on the debate.

I believe this has got to be the most efficient part of being a man. After your phone runs out of battery, you recharge it. And while we may not have a vibrate function, we are not much different in the fact we need a recharge after doing our duty.

Vibrate functi… AT LAST IT MAKES SENSE

So the next time you get moaned at for being inept, incompetent, and unorganised, show the women of your life that there are many (four) reasons that an amateur internet writer came up with to show that beneath it all, we men are as productive as anything on this planet!

Including an energy-saving lightbulb! Useless, dim, pieces of crap. The bulb. I meant the bulb.

 

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