Gay Couple Accepts Responsibility For Every Major Disaster of the Last 50 Years


Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, a homosexual couple in Suffolk have stepped forward to take responsibility for the event and countless others before it.

Chris Green, 43, approached the media after US preacher John McTernan suggested that the hurricane was a direct result of acceptance of gay marriage and confirmed that it was in fact correct that the actions of himself and his partner, Phil Stevens, were to blame.

“There was no use pretending any more. Phil and I making love has been the cause of every major disaster of recent years. Hurricane Sandy, Katrina, the Boxing Day tsunami, the Paris Hilton movie The Hottie and the Nottie. Those were all our fault. We don’t know how it happens, but, as always, those radical evangelists were right on the money.”

More reliable than the BBC.

When asked to comment, McTernan was found to be confused and irritable:

“I wasn’t even believing my own bullshit at this stage. Hell, it goes down great with the rednecks, but I never thought I was right.”

In relation to claims that McTernan linked Hurricane Isaac earlier this year to simultaneous LGBT proceedings in New Orleans, the preacher said:

“Look, man, I’m just clutching at straws. I had to blame someone, I’m way out of my league here. I can’t accuse illiterate trailer trash with 18 kids on benefits, that’s my fanbase.”

Mr Green and Mr Stevens have been together 20 years, and regret all the harm they have caused in that time:

“We’re both very sorry we neglected to tell anyone for so long. We know it’s very selfish,” said Green. “The first time we kissed in the street a dog got hit by a car. The first time I gave Phil a handjob, back in 1994, it kick-started a civil war in Yemen. Everything started in Libya that weekend we spent at a hotel in Tenerife. It’s a hassle, but we’ve just got to live with it.”

Mr Green reckons that he and his partner should even take responsibility for every tragedy since the 1960’s, because “why not, homosexuality probably caused those too.” By this reasoning, a propensity for anal sex was the cause of the Vietnam War, the assassination of Martin Luther King, and Vanilla Ice.


Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

Discussion85 Comments

  1. avatar

    “I wasn’t even believing my own bullshit at this stage. Hell, it goes down great with the rednecks, but I never thought I was right.”

    ah, i always knew they fully believed what they preached.

  2. avatar
    Disgusted American

    hey people of UK – this is the kind of CRAP we here in America deal with on a daily basis, BuybUll thumpwers / mainly WHITE Trash / toothless wonders who vote republican and against thier own interests cause’ they’re escared of the gays,and dark people……half of America is full of thiese sicko, weirdo BuyBULL Thumpers…..HELP!!!!!!

        • avatar

          @Judy Britain has a hereditary monarch and a Royal House, a stupendously wealthy and privileged, land-owning aristocracy, a High Church with a Synod made up of aristocratic and powerful Bishops, a House of Lords, which includes the Law Lords and the Lord Chancellor, some of whom are still hereditary Peers who won a significant slice of the Country, with the Crown owning much of the remainder, including the whole of the sea bed in territorial waters, and its Civil Service is run primarily by the sons and daughters of the Aristorcacy.

          In 1995 New Labour renounced Socialism when Tory… (ooops sorry) Tony B-lair became Leader of the Party and abolished Clause IV, part 4, rewording it to decouple the Party from its former Socialist ideals and wholeheartedly embracing capitalism, but describing it as “democratic socialism” which shares as much of its DNA with socialism as Bombay Duck does with aquatic birds of the ‘Anatidae’ family!

          There is less political divergence between Conservatives and New Labour than there is between Democrats and Republicans.

          The fact that your country has a political continuum that heavily lists to the right, ranging from the ultra right-wing, criminally insane proponents of the Tea Party, to the chronically tared, inbred, slavering religious fanatic hillbillies, Climate Change Deniers and the merely rabid right-wing republicans, to the the merely capitalist democrats, does not make America a Fascist Nation anymore than the continuum from New Labour to Liberal-Democrats and Conservatives makes Britain Socialist.

          FYI: McCarty was censuredin 1954, the House Committee on Un-American Activities was abolished in 1975, China liberalised its socialist economy to allow capitalist profiteering, in 1978 and the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991.

          When will Americans let go of McCarthy’s ghost?
          We keep telling you: THERE ARE NO REDS UNDER YOUR BEDS!


        • avatar

          Funny. I have been fat all my life, diets and stuff never worked…but I chose to be gay. I could be happily married and hetero, in fact, men totally turn me on, but fuck I love being queer. Seriously. Best decision I ever made.

          • avatar

            I think he’s talking about the kind of people who pour a bucket of KFC down their throats and call it “lunch”. People come in all different shapes and sizes, but some of them can’t even walk more than 50 yards… Being fat isn’t a choice, but eating is a choice, and choosing to eat too much all of the time is a choice that has easily foreseeable consequences. 🙂

  3. avatar

    Brilliant! I actually thought the same thing, I’m gay and today I had lovely new potatoes for supper, this only caused a mild hurricane. I try not to do anything drastic. If I had a partner goodness knows what destruction we could cause.

    Incidentally, if God really did hate gay marriage,don’t you think he’d have let Romney get voted in?

    • avatar

      “Incidentally, if God really did hate gay marriage,don’t you think he’d have let Romney get voted in?”

      No, no, no…. Satan and his minions were responsible for that. God is responsible when Republicans shoot unarmed teenagers or rape a woman or child.

        • avatar

          LOL… I love your comment @Paul. Apparently, there are a lot of us responsible for tragic events that have occurred. I wonder what we’ll be the cause of next? Better yet, I wonder what will happen when my partner and I tie the knot next year… LOL

          • avatar

            My partner and I tied the knot and David Cameron got elected….


  4. avatar

    OMG – I’m not alone anymore ! GASP! and here I thought it was all me and my partner Maryann!!!

    Thanks be to all that is holy – my underwear – it’s not just….GASP – ME!

  5. avatar

    Chris and Phil – thank you so much for taking the heat. My partner and I have been together for 18 years and the guilt was beginning to make us ill. All those disasters – all that responsibility! We are happy to stand alongside you and help shoulder some of the blame.
    However, there is absolutely no way we will accept responsibility for Vanilla Ice – or JEdward!!

  6. avatar
    Sam Everard

    Thank you to everyone who has shared and read this so far, it means a lot! And thank you to everyone who realised this is a piece of satire, and it’s all fictional. The preacher is real, but his quotes definitely aren’t.

  7. avatar

    This kind of brilliant satire is exactly what we need to get people to THINK about their (and/or others’) arcane beliefs and get them to realize how silly, antiquated and ultimately dangerous they are. Holding a mirror and a spotlight on the religious fanatics & homophobes (is that redundant?) can & will do more than trying to ‘reason’ with them. Sorry to be serious about such a funny, well-written piece but at its core, it continues doing good well after the chuckling subsides.

  8. avatar

    So it’s not an “Act Of God” anymore, it’s an “Act of Chris and Phil”…all those insurance contracts that will have to be changed too make them legal…

    Almighty Chris and Phil, hear our prayers…! ;-P

    • avatar

      I was born in 1971 and have been wanking to male fantasies since 1981. Guess what? Hurricane Katrina (1981)!
      I had my first rim job with a gay male classmate in 1986. Guess what? Hurricane Charley (1986)!
      Nowadays I wank every night thinking of nude men. Gawd ‘L Maity I cause all these disasters “single- handedly”. I even have sex exclusively with men.
      I guess my pecker is to blame. Rev. McTernan how may I be absolved of all my sins? Should I take your tongue up my posterior orifice so that you can recite your cleansing chants? Pray tell!

  9. avatar

    This is HORRIBLE! I don’t think any single sane person can actually believe this. I mean it’s absurd! Blaming one couple for every atrocity from Milli Vanilli to Paris Hilton, every civil war and natural disaster is absolutely unfathomable! This HAS to be a joke. No one’s this stupid. Then again… here we are… There have been homosexuals since the dawn of time and all of a sudden they’re capable of producing global corruption and divine intervention? Get real! This is the biggest load of Hogwash I’ve ever heard – and I’ve heard Fred Phelps talk! This is worse than his religious fanaticism and twice as moronic (which is saying something). These two just need a dose of reality. They come in little white pills now and a comfortable jacket with long talks to a strange professional. Seriously guys, committ yourself before you badmouth your entire orientation!

    • avatar
      Sam Everard

      Congratulations for completely missing the point that this is satire, and therefore all untrue. The couple doesn’t exist, the preacher’s quotes aren’t real, so there’s nothing for you to get so misguidedly confused about.

      • avatar

        Sam E.,
        As you’re probably aware, I got the point of this “article”. I found it amusing and attempted to join in, offering our support to the courageous gay couple who were willing to take the heat.
        You will never succeed in 100% understanding of satire, the same way 100% understanding of “sexual orientation” will not be achieved in our life-times.
        I congratulate you on your article. If some have mistaken your satirical dig at these preachers as completely genuine, then you have surely achieved your goal.
        😉 x

    • avatar

      Well, yep Vivian, but the good preacher would argue that there have been cataclysms since the dawn of time 😀 He just can’t cope with how intense gay and lesbian sex IS! We can’t help it if when we do it the earth (and heavens!) move! It’s just the way we’re made! 😀

    • avatar
      Sam Everard

      You’ve accused me of stealing because my article features the same idiot preacher as another, but the content’s actually very different. Well done.

  10. avatar
    Robert van LIeshout-Hendrix

    Some Christians must be so happy to have gay people in this world, so they can blame them for stuff that went wrong. They already started this in the 12th century and are still not done…Maybe because they are not that good in taking their own responsibility? And accept things as they are at times?

  11. avatar

    In response more to the comments…
    I’m Southern American and Christian and my God loves everyone, and has Grace for everyone and no one needs to change! (unless you’re trans…? But God still loves you no matter your gender). God created a diverse creation through some means (evolution, creationism, evolution) and we’re all a part of it. =)

  12. avatar

    I am a Christian, but these ‘Holier Than Thou’ “Christians” make me sick! They are just like the Pharisees! Go ahead and cast some more stones! Turn some more people away! These people give Christianity a bad name! No wonder people never give it a chance! With self righteous pricks like this “man of God” running around, do you blame them??! May God extend His grace to people who are led astray by these “Christians”

    • avatar

      Josua, there is a BIG difference between running stop signs and reported a little disinfo on your taxes and homosexual activity. If you are a Christian, as if it makes any difference, remember the story of Sodam and Gomorrah (in which the English words Sodomy and Gonnorea were derived). They were destroyed because the amount of negatives energies that were being created. Every civilization that has embraced homosexual energies have been destroyed, sometimes in very dramatic fashion. Caligula is NOT the way to go. OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN! and will fall again.

  13. avatar
    Satan's Daaawtherrrrr

    I protest! It’s my civil partner and MY fault, these two are just trying to steal our thunder!
    WE are the Evil Daughters OF Satan That Caused It ALL!
    WE are responsible for Obama being re-elected!
    WE are causing the Arctic melt!
    WE claim responsibility for all those disasters, don’t believe these two IMPOSTORS, it was US, ALL OUR fault!
    AND we are working hard on reversing the direction of the Earth’s rotation by placing our double bed in the OPPOSITE direction to That Dictated By The Natural Laws Of Nature!!!!!!

    • avatar

      Accept responsibility for Vanilla Ice and missing socks, or ye be false prophets!

      (btw, I think Superman already did the “reverse rotation” thing…i’ll blame Zog for that!)

        • avatar

          Well… DUH! Dja think all those super-tight outfits showing off his pecs to the best advantage, the snazzy hair flick and the showy crotch with pants on the outside were for the GALS?
          If he were straight he’d wear boxers… and that wouldn’t look al that great on a superhero, would it!… grey boxers and a string vest

  14. avatar

    So I’m guessing Gay Marriage will be legal by the 12th of December this year, 2012 The end of the world… I farted once and caused a massive land slide…

    • avatar

      Now, now, trying to get in on the act isn’t on, my man! Get your own curses, stop trying to steal our thunder… and lightning…. and rain…. and hailstones… and earth tremors…. and tsunamis….and fire…. and brimstone.. anyway, just git yo’ own gawd cussing!

      • avatar

        You don’t understand, I watch more lesbian porn than God ever intended so it’s stands to reason that it must be worth at least a couple of famines and a small civil war.

        • avatar

          Awwww… OK then.. you can have …. the threat to coffee crops worldwide and …. let’s see… how ’bout the August Riots in the UK, year before last?
          I think that’s more than fair…. after all, it’s very hard to establish and prove exactly HOW MUCH lesbian porn God ACTUALLY intended men to watch…

          • avatar

            Aw, well, now.. if we went around trying to find out about ALL the lesbian porn in the world… we’d never have time to make any!

  15. avatar

    The energy created by homosexual orgasims are dark and the Satanists rely on this energy in order to continue and expand their stronghold on Earth and Humanity. Has anyone ever wondered why Hollywood has always been so pro-Gay, pushing this every chance they got all the while pushing family lifestyles out of movie, theater and television?? An lets take a look at who is running Hollywood. Hmmm…

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