The man responsible for giving the cold, pickled body of Keith Richards the appearance of life has gone on strike, throwing the Rolling Stones’ 50th anniversary tour into chaos. The man, whose name is reported to be Richard Keith, has taken issue with his being paid minimum wage to, essentially, perform guitar for a series of highly lucrative shows while only being paid minimum wage. He has gone on strike with immediate effect. What impact this will have on the tour remains unclear, but sources close to the band have said that none of them particularly care because, “they’re all obscenely wealthy anyway.”
The exact date of Keith Richards’ death is not known to anyone, even those close to him, and it has been suggested that there was no single moment, just a slow transition from life into death over a number of years. It is not even entirely clear whether Richards is, in fact, alive or dead, as there are still said to be faint signs of life from the quite possibly immortal rock star. Legend has it that Richards’ chemical makeup is so out of balance with that of an actual person, that he is now more drug than man, and is thus incapable of death. In any case, such is the state of his current condition that he is incapable of feeding himself, let alone playing Jumping Jack Flash.
The current marionette system is the latest in a long line of Weekend at Bernie’s style attempts to give Richards the illusion of actual animation. The earliest of these attempts came during the Stones’ US tour of ’78, when Jim Henson’s Creature Shop were hired to rig him with the animatronics necessary to support, the at that point semi-mobile, Richards for the run of the tour. This was followed by ventriloquist dummy style approach, then by simply replacing him with a scarecrow holding a guitar. It was not until they found someone with the necessary skill to operate him via strings, however, that a satisfactory solution was found.
Mick Jagger expressed his indifference earlier today when approached for comment by saying, “can’t we just dig out the old animatronic kit for a couple of shows? It’s not like anyone’s going to notice a difference.” Ronnie Wood could not be reached as he was too busy shagging someone 75 years younger than him, and Charlie Watts simply looked bemused and said, “I like puppets.” As one of the many Rolling Stones fans who could not afford to remortgage his house in order to buy tickets, I couldn’t care less either, but it will surely come as a bitter disappointment to those who bought tickets that they might not be getting to hear Richards’ legendary riffing. Oh well, you can’t always get what you want.