SUSU Elections ‘Will Not Be a Popularity Contest’ This Year


In contrast to the general procedure of recent years, SUSU has announced that this year’s elections will actually be decided based on the policies of each candidate, rather than their popularity, their slogan, or how willing they are to demean themselves on an embarrassing Photoshopped poster.

Candidates used to merely having to win over the more stupid students with bright colours and catchy taglines will have to work much harder this year following the statement from within SUSU this morning:

“We know that our previous system was working extremely well. It was a great big SUSU orgy where only people involved in the Union had any chance and everybody voted for their friends, and confused non-Union plebs voted for the person that seemed funny or had boobs.
But for 2013, we wanted to mix things up a bit. Candidates will now have to actually take time on their manifestos: just claiming they will ‘make the Cube better’ won’t hack it any more.”

This change in policy has affected the previous frontrunner candidates who were counting on the popular vote, including SUSU cat, the seven-item breakfast, and that one-legged duck that lives at Chamberlain.

Image by Bryony Wellburn

Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

Discussion5 Comments

  1. avatar

    I certainly agree this is needed. For many years now the “better” candidate for the job has regularly lost out to the more popular/ hotter one.

    So what are the sabbs ACTUALLY going to do differently? I can’t think of any way of getting your average first year to read the manifestos in enough detail….

    Sam Everard

    Just to stress for any future commenters, this IS NOT real. It’s a piece of satire, and none of these measures are actually in place.

    Not So Fresh

    No Sam! You don’t write satire then tell anyone that doesn’t get it what it is!
    Half the fun is watching the plebs staunchly agree or disagree with Jonathan Swift without a single clue that, no, he isn’t seriously suggesting that we eat Irish babies.

    Sam Everard

    Agreed, Not so Fresh. Truer words were never spoke.

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