For as long as there have been cookbooks, there has been one long-neglected consumer: the post-night-out chef. What do make that should help remove the chance of a hangover when you’re too inebriated to be fancy? Everything the aspiring drunk cook needs is here in this simple recipe guide, assuming you can read the instructions:
- Fry your bacon on the highest heat possible. Forget and do something else for approximately 18 minutes.
- Return when bacon is black and smoking. Run under tap to try and ‘uncook them’ for a while.
- Find bread, probably stale. Drizzle with whiskey for ‘manly flavour’.
- Place bacon rashers in bread and serve.
- Think about how cute the pig was in Babe and stop what you’re doing.
Coq au Vin
- Giggle for hours over the word ‘coq’.
- Find some wine.
- Run out of wine through excessive consumption.
- Giggle at the word ‘chicken breast’.
- Form the assorted vegetables into the shape of a smiley vegetable man.
- Realise you are in no way capable of making coq au vin. Even when sober.
Homemade Cheesy Chips
- Preheat oven to ‘I keep burning my hands’ temperature.
- Pour oven chips onto tray. Make sure not to spread them so that some chips remain stuck together and you get a good cooked/uncooked mixture.
- Leave until smoke alarm goes off.
- Place huge, ungrated lump of cheese in middle of tray. Put back in oven.
- Ensure cheese has melted on smallest amount of chips possible. Serve with at least 500g of mayonnaise for authentic fast-food experience.
- Spill a fistful of spaghetti on the kitchen floor. Pick up as much possible and place in lukewarm water.
- Attempt to boil mince.
- Retrieve soggy mince and fry instead.
- Try frying the mince in a ‘Strongbow sauce’. Meat should begin to look unappetising and smell of burnt apples.
- Add whole, unpeeled onion to the pan.
- Throw spaghetti around the kitchen because it ‘makes a great decoration’.
- Add half-cooked spaghetti to cider-meat-onion mix.
- Remember chopped tomatoes. Add cold on top of everything else.
- Serve and eat.