SUSU Shop Cashier Calamity


There have been more issues with the SUSU Shop, coming after a whole host of scandals this year, including the infamous ‘Muffin Lady trapped in door after entering through exit’ debacle of November. The Undercover Undergrad has the scoop.

It seems the checkout team have been accused of setting off their ‘cashier number blah de blah’ buttons off at irresponsible levels. Preying on the confused and tired student population, they press these buttons twice or even thrice when only a solitary press is required, often leaving those confused more confused.

One confused student, wanting to remain anonymous recounted:

“I just wanted to buy a Kinder Bueno. I saw that they had sold out which made me slightly annoyed, but hey ho, I got a Kinder Egg instead; I always did enjoy those little toys. I entered the queue only to notice a pregnant lady behind me, so I did the courteous thing and let her go before me; she said I had a kind face. I couldn’t wait to take a bite of my Kinder Bueno.”

Peter Endearing, 20, continued:

“I got towards the end of the queue to the area where the checkouts are, and where they were. Them. I waited patiently when suddenly “cashier number 4 please” beckoned me forth, the instruction simple and understood. I started my walk towards cashier number 4 when, “cashier number 3 please”, “cashier number 4 please”, “cashier number 8 please”. I panicked. I did something you should never do in the SUSU Shop. I broke rank and stopped. I was stranded in the middle of the emptiness, cashiers everywhere I looked, but none willing to transact my Kinder Bueno.“

Mr Endearing took a few moments to compose himself:

Mr. Endearing’s original target of consumption

“It took me 3 hours to get outta there. Though, most of that was due to the Muffin Lady, who got trapped in the exit door again.”

We tried to get a comment from the SUSU Shop, but they simply stated that:

“The SUSU Shop will continue to stock Kinder Buenos, they are available for the price of 69p.”

If you are currently confused while reading this, then you have been warned.

She said I had a kind face.

If you are reading this and are not confused, then feel free to carry on living till the day you do become confused. Then return here and read, and if you remain confused, heed this warning. Beware the cashier of number 4, and 6 and 4 again, and also 8.

Not my words, but the words of The Undercover Undergrad.

Stay locked for more from The Undercover Undergrad.

And just who is The Undercover Undergrad?


Discussion25 Comments

  1. avatar

    Wimsett you are wonderful… this made me smile 🙂

    and no, I haven’t broken your anonymity… the photo of you at the top of the page did that for you…

    Nice one! More please!

  2. avatar

    Is this supposed to be humorous? Because it isn’t.

    Sam Ling

    Not the most constructive of feedback. I expect some will find it funny, some wont. Rather than pulling others down perhaps try and demonstrate the quality you’re after yourself by producing your own article.

    Good job Matt.

    Ellie Sellwood

    Thank you Sam Ling, it’d be nice if people didn’t feel the need to hide behind the name ‘AnotherCrappyArticleFromThe WessexScene’ seems the joke is on you though if you continue to visit our website.

    please stop.

    This article is awful. its just not funny.
    I don’t publish articles because I can’t write. This person should do the same.

    Jon North

    Seriously? lighten up, it’s Pause it’s designed to be a bit daft humour is subjective and even if you don’t think it’s funny that’s surely the one of the main points of a student paper is to allow people to experiment with ideas and improve their writing style.

    Personally I enjoyed the article and hope that Matt isn’t dissuaded from writing again because of unconstructive comments like yours.


    “Awful” and “funny” are objective opinions which you’re entitled to, but it’s a shame you think Matt should be discouraged from writing just because of what you individually think.

    Everybody who writes for a living started somewhere. Student journalism is basically about exploring and developing a skill.

    It’s sad so many students hound each other for taking this opportunity available to them.


    *subjective opinions, my bad


    Sam ling to the rescue eh? Not sure it helps the image of the scene getting el presidente to defend articles – written by the susu clique -when people are perfectly entitled not to like them. It seems the whole of pause has a sensitivity problem.

    Matt Wimsett

    *written by the Undercover Undergrad, he/she may or may not be part of the susu clique.

    Paul Ridge, SUSU Shop Manager

    I’m still waiting to find out if Sam’s gonna let me install the new system 🙂

    Sam Ling

    Apologies if its come across like I’m coming in to defend the Wessex Scene.

    I’m keen on challenging what has become a fairly off-putting and aggressive culture of anonymous online comments. I agree that people are absolutely entitle to their opinions, however I’m trying to encourage a culture of constructively putting those opinions across, rather than putting people off getting involved, or putting them down for just trying.

    Its less about sensitivity, more about inclusiveness.


    The idea that there’s some kind of overarching clique at SUSU is actually really funny because every committee within spends hour upon hour agonising over zany schemes to make people “get involved” (a phrase I’m getting increasingly tired of), providing advertising and “tryout days” galore instead of spending our valuable time on good content or work for the Union, yet we’re still told that everything is inaccessible if you don’t know the right people.
    I’d suggest that it’s inaccessible if someone can’t be bothered to go looking for it, at which point I fail to see how it’s anyone’s fault but theirs.

    But nothing annoys me more than the occasional piss-ant, like you, unhappy in their own glaring lack of talent within a particular field, that chooses to point and sneer at someone who’s made some effort to contribute – something you were too scared to do for fear of criticism from people like yourself.

    As a side note, if the Scene really had the mystical power to summon Sam from the ether at the first sign of trouble on an article, do you really think they would do so on a bit of comedy writing in the Pause section?


    Great job Matt, it’s amazing to see that WS writers always come up with some great articles to brighten up the students’ mood… Awful though on the other side to see that there are people who need to hide behind stupid names because they’re not able to write articles as good or funny like this one! 😛 Anyone is more than entitled not to like the articles but hey, what’s the need to post stupid replies which could offend the writers? Consider the possibility of keeping away from the Pause section if you don’t like that 😉
    On the bright side, Matt, thanks for making my day!!

  3. avatar
    Paul Ridge, SUSU Shop Manager

    As store manager, I’d like to respond to this noteworthy piece of investigative journalism by formally announcing that from September 2014, the current “call forward” system will be replaced by a new version.

    The TractorBeam3000 is a breakthrough in technology and we’ve been chosen as a testbed ahead of, ooh, literally three other leading retailers, namely Tesco, Harrods and Andor News on Portswood Road.
    The way it works is simple: a laser beam is linked to each customer as they enter the store and a movement monitor algorithm is used to maintain steady contact between client and till until the two meet at the checkout area. Only when a successful payment has been made is the individual released from the shackles of the powerful green light, allowing them to leave the shop.
    The technology not only helps in speeding up the queue by dragging any slack-footed shufflers forward at breakneck speed when the “Cashier Number 4!” button is depressed, but it also generates valuable footfall data for the management team, while also reducing shrinkage (ie shoplifting) to zero. Developed at the University of Portsmouth, it has revolutionised shopping in the Leigh Park area and dramatically cut crime across the city itself.
    Though the cost of the system is a little on the high side (c.£250k), it’s felt the long-term benefits of the new technology outweigh the outlay … and also save on the cost of earplugs for the cashiers.

    I’ve yet to run it past Sam Ling, SUSU President, for final approval, but as we’ve got his attention in this thread, I eagerly await his reply.

    Over to you, Sam …

    Matt Wimsett

    This all sounds jolly good Paul but what are we going to do about the Muffin Lady?
    We need solutions damn it!

    Paul Ridge, SUSU Shop Manager

    Well, we already stock Vaseline, but maybe a stronger lubricant is necessary ?
    I’ll get on to Duckhams and see what they can do …

    Matt Wimsett

    Get on it Paul! God speed Paul Ridge! God Speed.

    Matt Wimsett

    Also, while you’re around..but still God speed! Could you stock some more of those white chocolate cookies?

    Paul Ridge, SUSU Shop Manager

    White chocolate cookies come from another galaxy, where they’re currently experiencing industrial action. This had led to a dramatic shortfall in production levels.
    If President Thatcher ever settles the dispute and deliveries begin to flow through again, you’ll be the first to know.


  4. avatar

    This is a fail of Tab like proportions. The Kinder Bueno becomes a Kinder egg because Bueno’s are out of stock, then magically becomes a Bueno again. Please stop publishing these childish non articles.


    This is a fail of epic proportions. The comment begins in English because it appears the writer is too, but then grammatical mistakes step in and deem it redundant and useless. Please stop publishing these childish non-comments.

    Matt Wimsett

    Hey Douche, ohhh I know.
    It’s an honest account of The Undercover Undergrad’s interview with Peter, he was very confused. But my god! So many other endearing qualities.
    We hope to bring you some more generous scoops of journalistic gold soon. Sponsored by Kinder.

  5. avatar



    also it’s hilarious that morons are trying to insult the undercover undergrad… i happen to know him very well, and i know he’ll take very kindly to your pitifully inept comments!

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