Political activist, rock star and Live Aid founder Bob Geldof has today announced his intentions to kick-start a new charitable endeavour, starting with a star-studded music festival this summer. Geldof has yet to name his budding cause, but he has made it clear that he aims to focus his attentions here in the developed world.
“We need to help the west”, Geldof exclaims with a beam of smugness, surrounded by several honorary doctorates and polished statuettes. “Africa‘s been tapped. I don’t understand why Richard Curtis and co. still ship out boy bands to Zimbabwe and poor Lenny Henry to those Premier Inns. We get it”.
Geldof is of course referring to the organisation Comic Relief, which recently enjoyed a record breaking night of fundraising where a total of £75,107,851 was raised. Despite this success, Geldof remains adamant that his new charity is not only something the British people can be a part of, but the entire Western world.
“Peaches came to me one evening, distress in her eyes, and told me she couldn’t get the correct colour Nike Jordans she wanted for my grandson. I mean, what sort of society do we live in? I hope this festival raises these sorts of issues”.
The music festival sees headliners Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Chris Brown, to name but a few, take to the stage in mutual solidarity to fight against ‘First World Problems’. “I’m so pleased with the acts I’ve managed to acquire. They seem to really understand my goal”. Geldof has also confirmed that a charity single will accompany the festival. If rumours are to be believed, the charity single kicks off with Taylor Swift and her pet goat, but this is all hearsay.
“I don’t want to give too much away, but this single will blow your mind. It’s the ultimate RnB-Dance banger. Everyone on the line-up is involved”. According to Geldof, the single will be released on Simon Cowell’s record label SyCo with all the profits going straight back to the music mogul to distribute accordingly.