If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’re halfway to becoming an editor since you’re not illiterate.
I’m the next Wessex Scene Editor Sam Everard. You may remember me from such articles as ‘The Weekly-When-I-Feel-Like-It Weekly Distraction’ and ‘The One in the Fake News Format Because He Can’t Get Over That It Was Successful Once’. If you hadn’t noticed, we’re having an AGM to decide our new committee on Tuesday night, as outlined in this slightly more sensible article here. You only have until 12 TONIGHT to nominate yourself, and I’m going to tell you why that’s a good idea.
Firstly, I’m replacing violent and despised despot Ellie Sellwood. This year alone she has overthrown two regimes in Central America, and owns seven Bangladeshi orphans to slave away on the print copy of the Scene. Not only does this break countless child labour laws, but they’re also really inefficient. We need a workforce with larger hands.
Secondly, the perks of being on the Scene Editorial Team are endless. We have diplomatic immunity in over 30 countries, and there is an executive bathroom in the library that only becomes visible to the human eye once you’re elected. You are contractually obliged to appear in an episode of Game of Thrones, and will receive a bi-monthly exotic fruit basket. Impress your friends with your newfound journalistic integrity, and then bore them with articles on Union policy!
I’ve also got big plans for both the Wessex Scene and SUSU this year that you, yes YOU, can be a part of. These include, but are not limited to:
- -Replacing all the water coolers in SUSU with whiskey coolers, for the Mad Men effect.
- -A lecturers-only Page 3 in the magazine.
- -Selling the paper to a radical right-wing press company in the American Midwest. Or Fox.
- -Every article will now be in a list format.
- -The Union will be turned into one enormous press office. Everyone must always be shouting, and national conspiracies will be uncovered daily.
By now, you should be dribbling with excitement. See you tomorrow at 6.