Next Year’s Results Will Be ‘By Carrier Pigeon’


Following another case of irritation and malfunction when students attempted to find out their results for the year, iSolutions have unveiled their strategy for next year’s results delivery: an expansive network of carrier pigeons.

A bout of the usual technical difficulties when results for third years were supposed to be released on Friday has led university IT services to attempt drastic new methods. The most practical and efficient in comparison to the current system was deemed to be a huge network of plague-carrying bids delivering results direct to student homes.

A university spokesperson explained the decision, stating:

“Every year we have these issues, and every year we struggle to update and meet student demand. But with this, we’ve nailed it. The solution was under our noses the whole time. Pigeons from all over Southampton are already being rounded up and trained in preparation for next year. Individual birds will be tasked with carrying five sets of results each. The better your grade, the more handsome and clean-looking your pigeon will be. If you get a mangy, one-legged one from the city centre, you’re probably getting a third.”

The team in charge of releasing results are confident that this new method will be much faster and less time-consuming than the current one. The same department is also considering hiring Example to play every Union event for the foreseeable future.


Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

Discussion1 Comment

  1. avatar

    They probably work better than iSolutions. By the way, if you put a drive of 64GB in a Carrier Pigeon, it will arrive faster to any part of the UK than transfer 64GB by internet.

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