Hi there, my name is Katie, you may remember me from such ‘reality’ TV series as the Apprentice. I feel it is my divine right to help you poor people give your child the best possible start in life. How you ask? Simply by naming them! Despite Shakespeare’s guff about a rose by any other name, any respectable person in their right mind (and by this I mean middle class and above) judges all others by that pragmatic label we call a name.
Before we begin, a few ground rules: any child named Tyler, whose name begins with a Sh-, or named after a location is a definite no-go. Of course there are a minute number of exceptions; for example children named after large countries, such as… oh I don’t know, India. Unless you want your precious little ones to cavort with the likes of these non-homework doers, it is vital you adopt these strategies today!
To Henry, George, Bertie, Isabella, Rose and Clarissa, I say thank you. Intelligent parents typically give intelligent names to their kids.
— Katie Hopkins (@KTHopkins) July 6, 2013
Why listen to me?
Basically, because I am right, and you all secretly agree. I, like a lot of other mothers, do not have a lot of time, and scientists have proven that these simple shortcuts can cut down 90% of time judging playmates for your child- that will save you enough energy for a whole extra hour of scoffing! What’s more, scientists have proven that this simple name-evaluation procedure will only require 20% of your brain- making it the most narrow minded process in the last 100 years.
Storm busy signing in on the ‘late arrival sheet’ at the school office. Good practise for signing on later in life I guess.
— Katie Hopkins (@KTHopkins) July 5, 2013
How do I judge names?
When it comes to actually selecting a playmate for your darling Maximilian, the actual rules are few and far between. The most important thing to remember is that if the very utterance of the name causes your nose to turn up at any angle higher than 30 degrees, sever all ties! Remember, it is an empirical fact that the commonness of a child’s name is strongly linked with the likelihood that he/she will later engage in classroom misbehaviour, littering, and crimes against humanity. And if anyone tries to bring to your attention ‘successful’ people with common names, ignore them: pity-celebrities are not to be held in regard.
Adopting these poor-person proof strategies are sure to set your child firmly on the road to success, so why waste more time- judge a child today! For more advice on how to get on in life, read my other guides, including: ‘How to judge a book by its cover’ and ‘Once a pauper always a pauper’.
*Disclaimer: not actually written or endorsed by Katie Hopkins, the Victorian upper classes, Count Dracula, or any other member of the league of evil.