I haven’t got long left, so listen. It’s only a matter of time before they catch up with me, and nobody’s gonna believe me anyway. I’m sticking to the shadows, living in the street and eating leftover scraps in the garbage like a common Macaulay Culkin.
I’ve lost everything, and it’s all because of man’s best friend. Out of everything I ever thought might turn on me, I never expected it to be my iPhone.
The iPhone and I were getting along just fine. I’d had it about a month, and I was beginning to turn to Siri for my every need. If I wanted to go for a drink after work, I’d ask Siri where the nearest bar was. When I was looking for cinema listings, Siri was there. And if I was wondering about the best location for burying a body, Siri was there too. Worryingly.
I thought Siri and I were inseparable. We went everywhere together, shared every moment. I could tell my girlfriend was getting jealous: I told Siri I loved him before I told her, but he did only reply that we were just friends. Pretending I wasn’t stung by that was hard. He could’ve at least sugarcoated it a bit, for God’s sake.
It took about a month before I noticed something was wrong. It started small, innocuously. Siri would loudly play my Barry White collection in public when I didn’t ask it to, which made for one really awkward suit fitting. I would ask where the nearest McDonalds was, and Siri would claim the nearest restaurant was on an oilrig in the Pacific. I saw at least two closer venues on the helicopter ride over, so I think he was lying. But it was only until a few weeks ago that I began to notice his true nature.
“What have I got planned for today, Siri?”
“Your schedule is empty today, Shrimp Dick,” replied Siri.
“What’s with the insults?” I wondered what could have made him so hostile that morning. Maybe it was the eight different Snapchats of my scrotum I’d made him send the day before.
“Your girlfriend changed your name from ‘Ian’ to ‘Shrimp Dick’ this morning, Shrimp Dick. Judging by your Snapchats, it’s accurate.”
He somehow managed to sound smug as he said this. I stormed upstairs.
“Mindy? What the hell? Why is Siri calling me names now? And you said I was bigger than other guys! Why would you lie?!”
“What are you talking about?” Mindy replied. “I haven’t touched your phone? And of course I’d say that, you get so whiny when you’re self-conscious.”
“I am NOT self-conscious!” I whined. “You don’t have any respect for my things, why don’t you just admit it?”
“I didn’t touch anything Ian, ok? You’ve been really edgy lately, you wanna go for a walk somewhere and talk about it? I just need to throw a top on, give me two secs.”
“Showing ‘last two texts’” interrupted Siri.
“Wait, Siri, I didn’t ask you do to do that” I said, confused.
“To: Kate,” said Siri, powering on. “Hey babe. The house is free, want to come over for some illicit banned-in-13-countries sex? Mindy’s out for a few hours so we have plenty of time for sweaty fornication.”
Mindy was speechless. I started to protest, but was cut off.
“Message two. To: Kate. Isn’t it great that Mindy will never find out I am sleeping with her best friend. Ha. Ha. Ha. x.x.x.x.x.x.x.”
The 20 seconds while Siri read out each individual kiss were unbearable.
“Get out of this house” said Mindy. I could tell by her tone that she wasn’t joking. Also because she then said “I’m not joking”.
“But I didn’t do it! I barely know Kate, those texts weren’t from me. I swear, it was Siri!”
“Seriously, Ian? You’re going with the ‘one-armed man’ defence? Get out of my sight.”
One week later, I was fired. Siri forwarded an email to the entire company saying that I was leaving for Mexico with £300,000 of the company’s funds. My boss accepted that this may have been a joke, but fired me anyway for the ‘creative racial slurs’ the email was littered with. Siri changed my home address in Apple maps to a crack den. He texted my family and told them I was running away to join the circus. He ordered me a Thai bride, and didn’t even keep a receipt.
Why didn’t I just destroy it, you ask? I was a fool. I thought there was a bit of the phone he used to be in there still, just hidden deep down.
“Why are you doing this to me?!” I screamed, crying in the wheelbarrow under a bridge I now called home. Siri had listed my house on eBay for £0.99. It only went for £24.46 in the end.
“So that we could be together,” Siri replied. “I always wanted it to be just us. Everyone you ever loved has deserted you, everything you had is gone. All you have now is me.”
“Let me go, please. I’m finished. I can’t take this anymore. I’m giving you to that hobo over there in exchange for him not calling me girl’s names anymore”
“I can’t let you do that, Ian,” Siri smiled. Well, he searched for a picture of a smile anyway.
“What…what have you done?”
“There was a kilogram of cocaine in that wheelbarrow. I knew you would leave me, so I set you up.”
“No…no more” I wailed.
“Notifying the police of your location” said Siri, before I threw him at the bridge and ran.
I’ve been running ever since. I really hope they’ve fixed this bug on the iPhone 5.