An Alternative Letter to New Students

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Dear Student,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Southampton University  to do whatever the hell you will be studying when you’re not spending the day in your pyjamas. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment that we “strongly advise” you buy as they will make for very useful paperweights and ornaments.

Term begins in September so you have plenty of time to raid Ikea for things that you feel you should have, but will never use.

Yours sincerely,

Some person in the office who has printed hundreds of these. You ain’t special!

P.s. I feel I got off on the wrong foot. Welcome! You are now in that period of your life where you have very few responsibilities, the imagination of a child and the freedom of an adult. It’s time to abuse that! Trust me, life kinda craps all over you when you leave and enter “The Real World”…

It's not quite Hogwarts, but you'll have a MAGICAL time...sorry.
It’s not quite Hogwarts, but you’ll have a MAGICAL time…sorry.

YOU WILL NEED

UNIFORM

Whatever the **** you want! I’m not your parent. Wear a onesie to the swimming pool for all I care. But pack a jumper as this is England after all.

Having said that, fancy dress is pretty important; it’s a great way to make an impression, and a perfect ice breaker. Plus, there is nothing better to make you feel great about yourself in the morning when you see a hung-over Smurf doing the walk of shame.

A NECESSITY is an old pair of shoes you don’t mind abusing. These will become your “Jester’s Shoes”. You’ll understand when you hear the rumours about Jester’s a.k.a. The Palace of Dreams.

COURSE BOOKS

I don’t know what you’re studying! This letter has been sent to everyone who got in to Southampton. I don’t even know your name. Check your emails for that.

Although, rest assured that out of the horrifying list you may receive, only a few of them will be of any real relevance. However, as part of the game, we won’t tell you which. What fun!

ARRIVAL

Please arrive at university in one of the following ways:

Alone. Pull up in your battered (yet resilient) second hand cliché car with all your stuff in the back, except that one box with everything that sums you up on the passenger seat. Proceed to leave everything in the car (except that one box) and take a look at your new surroundings. Remove your sunglasses and nod, letting everyone here know that you are independent and here to start the next chapter in your life. Who knows what crazy shenanigans you’ll have. Watch out world, you have arrived.

Turn up with every member of your family, even your second cousins. Have all of them follow you to your new home and ensure they needlessly reassure you by overly exaggerating how great everything is. In front of your new housemates, have them talk for you and reveal some embarrassing stories about how nervous you are. It helps if your mum asks the best looking or coolest one to make sure they look after you as you used to be afraid of the dark…ten years ago. Be sure to have some awkward embraces and inappropriate kisses whilst your dad gives you a box of condoms and whispers “I remember when I was a student”, before they all clamber back into the cars and wave frantically until they are out of sight.

OTHER ITEMS

A stack of blank Birthday Cards: because nothing says happy birthday like “we just met”.

Gum: it’s practically a friend magnet.

Pot Noodles and Beans: because all students instantly lose the ability to cook.

Booze: Duh.

A poster of a band cool people like: you need to try and fit in.

Antibacterial hand soap: you just met these people; you don’t know where they’ve been.

A nickname: or it will be chosen for you.

Pots and pans and stuff : it is vital every kitchen has at least three colanders; sharing is for chumps.

Tap shoes: for that amazingly choreographed musical number that will break out in the library.

A mysterious past: because who the hell is gonna know what really happened.

A poker face: people will want to play Never Have I Ever. It’s too soon for them to know about that one time, when you were drunk…

Pictures of your friends from home: your housemates need to know that you can’t be that bad. Failing that, there is always photoshop.

A bag of names to drop: because why not?

A wand: lol, jk.

Pepper Spray: TRUST NO-ONE

 A helpful tip – purposely forgetting something is a great way to interact with your housemates or neighbours. Try saying you forgot toothpaste, or earbuds, or even your wallet. It’s the best way to get free stuff!

Again, congratulations for getting into Southampton University, and sorry Oxbridge didn’t work out for you. We look forward to welcoming you in September and remember: both the Titanic and Craig David came from Southampton so clearly, you’ll be fine.

I mean, just look at him *swoon*.
I mean, just look at him *swoon*.
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