Earlier today the Daily Mail released a statement suggesting that Ralph Miliband, who they recently described as ‘the man who hated Britain’, was the brains behind the murder of Princess Diana in 1997.
Mail journalists claim to have unearthed evidence that Miliband orchestrated the assassination of Diana, singlehandedly giving the Mail two decades worth of content. When it was pointed out that Miliband had been dead for three years at the point, the Mail dismissed the fact as inconsequential.
“Of course it was Ralph Miliband,” said a Daily Mail spokesperson. “The man who hated Britain would obviously want to target the woman who symbolised everything that’s great about Britain, it’s all been downhill ever since.”
“As to his not being alive, he probably organised the hit years before it happened. He was crafty like that. Do you know he wasn’t even born in this country? The evidence against him just keeps mounting up.”
According to more research by Mail staff, Miliband was probably the worst person that ever lived. “We stick by our original article. New evidence that we’ve unearthed suggests that Miliband probably invented call centres, and someone told us that he once kicked a homeless man, almost certainly for no reason. We’re also sure that were he alive today, his favourite film would probably be Grown-Ups 2. He’s truly a monster.”