Addicts Deny Existence of Peter Hitchens


A number of people suffering from addiction have confirmed today that they believe that Peter Hitchens ‘does not exist’.

Despite the indisputable proof offered by his appearance on Newsnight yesterday arguing with Matthew Perry, addicts from all walks of life have banded together in suggesting that there is no such as Peter Hitchens. Despite being offered concrete evidence of his life and work, the group has decided to stick with their own theory, supported by self-belief alone.

Image courtesy of the BBC
Pictured: Nobody

“He’s just a myth created to spout ridiculous claims like ‘sex education increases teen pregnancy rates’,” said former alcoholic Ben Holden.  “You can’t just ‘be’ Peter Hitchens, it doesn’t work that way. Everybody has the choice to not be Peter Hitchens. It’s not our fault if you’re not strong enough to make that choice.”

You can’t just ‘be’ Peter Hitchens, it doesn’t work that way.

Holden continued that despite his Mail on Sunday column, various published novels and interview appearances, Hitchens was unequivocally not a real person. When shown photos of the man question, Holden put his fingers in his ears, closed his eyes and spoke a bit louder.

The addicts have also revealed their belief that any public appearances made by the journalist and author are actually just a slightly melted ‘Sam the Eagle’ muppet.


Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

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