About a fortnight ago, the final of the Most Important and Glorious Immortal Programme of All Time was shown on ITV. Naturally, I and everyone I know tuned in to watch it. Seconds before Ant and/or Dec and Dec and/or Ant started to dance and flop about on stage to ‘Eye of the Tiger’, a dishevelled and haggard version of me from 31 years in the future materialised in my living room. He warned me that in the time he came from, all of Britain was ruled over by Simon Cowell, who patrolled the darkened skies in a fifty-foot tall golden robot covered in LED representations of his winking face, sending down his metamorphic, Walsh-based Sentinels to eliminate dissent. He told me that the Resistance had used a time travel idea they stole from an X-Men film to send me (him) back to warn him (me) about Cowell and his Legion of Louis. He then produced a document, which I have included here in full in lieu of penning my own article:
The following is a summary of important moments in British history from 2015 to 2045:
2015: Series 9 of Britain’s Got Talent opens with the largest firework display in history. It costs the same as the entire wealth of five African countries. That year, five African countries have credit crises.
2016: Cowell lobbies the Government to issue two new bank holidays: one on the day of the live finals of Britain’s Got Talent and one on his birthday. As a joke, David Walliams attempts to kiss Cowell during the final. He is found dead in his dressing room the next day, apparently bludgeoned with a National Television Award won by Cowell’s X-Factor.
2019: Cowell distributes tomatoes (later rocks and wasps and glue) to audience members so they can chuck them at the stupidest, ugliest or most deluded acts. Ratings soar. Cowell uses the massive influx of advertising revenue to have the words ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ burnt onto the surface of the Moon.
2021: The grand prize changes. The winner of Britain’s Got Talent is now destined to perform for the Queen and Simon Cowell, who will sit together in the Royal Box. For the first time, there is only one judge (Cowell).
2023: A special ‘Cowell Box’ is installed above the Royal Box. If Simon doesn’t think the 97-year old Elizabeth II is clapping loudly enough, he can make her box light up like an enormous ‘red x’ and the audience can boo and taunt her and pelt her with coppers. Any audience member who knocks her crown off gets to keep it.
2026: The most extravagant final yet almost causes a national recession. Her Majesty abdicates on her 100th Birthday after Cowell climbs on her shoulders and rides her around live on stage during her birthday celebrations shouting ‘God Enslaves the Queen! God Enslaves the Queen!’
2027: Britain’s Got Talent starts broadcasting non-stop on ITV. Cowell is confronted by the Pope who demands to know why Cowell equated himself with God the previous year. Cowell declares ‘I am your God now’ and votes the Pope out. He starts ‘Pontifex Factor’ to find a new Pope. A truck driver from Middlesbrough is picked because he has funny teeth.
2036: Time travel is first demonstrated by a scientist-act in the semi-final of series 33 of Britain’s Got Talent. He is beaten by a dog that can howl the word ‘Simon’ whilst jumping over some legs.
2044: The country is officially renamed the ‘United Kingdom of Great Britain’s Got Talent and Northern Simon’. Cowell is supreme ruler of the nation.
2045: The Resistance finally manages to send an agent back in time during the year that Cowell starts randomly firing a crossbow at acts he doesn’t like, shouting ‘Dance for me peasant. Dance for me’. If audience members don’t cheer each time he makes a hit, they are forced onto stage in dog costumes and made to jump through hoops and wash him with their tongues while he cackles.
The future me read out this catalogue of horrors. ‘You have been warned,’ he said, ominously. He pointed at my assembled friends and family and even the cheering audience on screen and screamed: ‘You let this happen!’ I told him to shut up, sit down and get out of the way; the magician had just appeared on stage and I had twenty quid on him winning.
The end… (or the beginning????)