Boris Johnson to become Gangster Rapper

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In an attempt to revitalise the image of the Conservative Party amongst young voters, Mayor of London and parliamentary candidate for Uxbridge & South Ruislip Boris Johnson has unveiled his new image – MC BoJo

Addressing voters in his prospective constituency of Uxbridge from a converted Rolls-Royce parked on a double yellow line, which has been fitted with a fur interior, suspension which can be made to bounce and an absolutely ‘phat’ sound system as well as a ‘well smart’ body kit of wheel rims and spoilers, he was heard by voters to be shouting “yo yo yo yo, I is proper OG, west side is tha best, you get me fam? We gonna take down those scrubs in Harrow yeah?” He then proceeded to light a self-rolled cigarette which didn’t smell like tobacco with a £50 note in front of a poor person before exclaiming “bare cheddar innit?”

 

His first rap album is being released the day before polling day and contains such tracks as “Straight Outta Eton”, “Tory Thug Life”, “Chelsea Playaz”, and “Balliol Boys Gonna Smack Little Ed”. He reportedly raps about “popping caps” into pheasants on George “Little G” Osborne’s estate, life on the “mean streets” of Henley and Oxford and his various affairs with women he describes with a term normally used for gardening equipment.

London Mayor Boris Johnson with a brick given to him at a visit to Ibstock Brick Ltd during the Conservative Party annual conference 2014 at the ICC in Birmingham. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday September 30, 2014. See PA story TORY Main. Photo credit should read: Joe Giddens/PA Wire
Getting the next round in

At the Conservative Party conference, Bo-Jo eschewed the usual suit of a politician for a fur coat, open-fronted shirt and comically undersized walking stick. In his speech, dedicated to his “homies in the Bullingdon”. 87 year old delegate Philomena Balls had a cardiac arrest upon his entry, but was revived by the truly sick beat his portable stereo put down.  The Young Conservatives were tearing at their H&M blazers in excitement as finally the Tories could look the 21st century youth in the eye. After every sentence in his speech, one could see braying chants of “OOOOOHHHHHH” ripple through the normally square youth wing.

 

Addressing the opposition Labour Party and Ed Miliband, Bo-Jo claimed that his ‘crew’ was superior in physical strength, numbers, alcohol tolerance, sexual promiscuity and at cluedo. He issued a personal challenge to Miliband, calling for him to “1v1” him and claimed to have had intimate relations with his mother while “popping a cap” in the “ass” of the Shadow Chancellor. This claim is regarded as likely by many political experts such as Dr J.Kyle, who are calling for paternity tests for all London children with scruffy blonde hair.

Drop that sick beat!
Drop that sick beat!

Announcing his new manifesto to the Uxbridge Young Conservatives, who now refer to themselves as the “West Side Massiv”, MC Bo-Jo will rename the Metropolitan Police as “The Fedz”, legalise drive-by shootings on the Harrow Young Conservatives, make smoking marijuana mandatory on the tube and give all members of the Bullingdon Club, now renamed the “Bullingdon Crew” a pink Rolls-Royce with spoilers and wheel arches.

 

“I is the voice of me bledren you get me yeah?” is all the Pause reporting team got when we asked Bo-Jo for an interview.

 

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Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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