The Labour Party has vowed to never go back to the days when Labour had a leader who was able to appeal to voters outside of the traditional ‘tribal’ vote and not only took power, but was able to secure re-election.
Allegedly, a Labour Party Spokesman told Pause that the Party wasn’t quite taking a new direction, merely undoing the damage done in the dark years of 1994-2007 when the Labour Party not only gained support outside of the traditional vote but had a popular leader who was re-elected. By reverting to having a leader reminiscent of a trade union leader who moonlighted for his friend Dimitri on weekends, they hope to finally purge the party of the stain their last successful leader left in his wake. Despite being born in North London, he continued while sipping on an unpalatable pint of John Smith’s and affecting a bad Lancashire accent, ‘to this end, our leadership contest is made up of Ed Miliband’s scouse cousin, a woman so boring I can’t remember her name, a man who thinks it’s still 1973 and a woman who supports the former leader we cannot name. She will be purged in due course.’ The hit BBC series Life On Mars seems to have inspired the Labour Party. He continued ‘People loved the aesthetic of the time brought to life on TV, the cars, the music, the fashion. We think they will also love the bizarre politics, economic failure and industrial disputes being brought back to life as well.’
Pause journalists traveled to Islington, the new core of the Labour Party, and discovered the beating heart of this hardcore retro political movement. We met many activists who affected quasi-Northern accents, but appeared to be convinced that 14 year olds in Nottinghamshire are sent down coal mines for 50p a day by their Tory bosses and that it is forbidden to take a photo in Durham without a black and white filter. We caught up with Islington native, Labour activist and fairtrade cocaine enthusiast Cecilia Fromsby-Warner, 22, to ask her why she supported the change in direction for the Labour Party. She told us about ‘T’Bankers and T’Bonuses’ and took us to her ‘Town House’ to show an impressive collection of 1950s era cinema reels about life in the mysterious lands above the M4 which Labour Party policy wonks have been watching for advice on life for these strange, little, people in cloth caps who play strange games with ferrets.
Explaining to us that all photographs and footage of the Labour Party from 1994 to 2007 has had a certain figure airbrushed out of all photos and film footage, she expressed horror and disgust that his record-breaking electoral feats ever be repeated. When we asked her if the Labour Party had an image problem, given that many of these voters have allegedly fallen for the charms of an alcoholic who suffers an apoplexy when he is reminded of the existence of Belgium, she told us that it was the fault of the voters for not having gone to a nice university and had nice lecturers explain the theories they were trying to put into practise – much like a 14 year old who has had their Playstation 4 confiscated after a spree of cider-fuelled joyriding, they are merely misunderstood.
We caught up with the alcoholic who has captured the hearts of those the Labour Party has given up on appealing to except through lazy stereotyping. In between beer-fuelled monologues of boredom, he told us that the secret to his success was that he was doing going back in time properly. ‘Why go back to the 1970s with the bad hair, child abuse and Britain’s membership of the EEC? Do it properly for God’s sake and go back to the 1940s. People like the 1940s. It’s Common Sense’
The man tipped to take Labour in their quest to purify themselves after a disgraceful past which saw them take power several times has not directly approached Pause to make a comment, however he pointed out the well-known fact that ‘compromise pleases none’, which he claims means that none in the Labour Party are pleased by any compromise with the British electorate, and he looks forward to transforming the party into a Machiavellian debating club for failed philosophers. Or, rather, returning the party to the roots so firmly set 40 years ago and finally absolving themselves of the original sin of winning an election.