The Stags has long been campus’ pinnacle venue for shouting at people doing exercise on television whilst getting progressively more drunk. Now, in light of recent controversy over what to gormlessly stare at on the big screen, combined with their new-found enthusiasm for asking people about the big issues of the day, SUSU are now proposing a referendum on what button to press on the remote control.
Stemming from confidence that at least 6 people will vote in the upcoming referendum on whether have an official opinion on the University’s plan to introduce a 24-hour library, democracy fever has now swept through the Sabb office – with an eagerness to ask students anything about everything.
Meanwhile, as this contagious excitement spread through the inner sanctum of the Union building faster than Katie Price’s legs, the Stags witnessed a rather extraordinary and highly controversial event on Sunday – a group of people wanted to change the television channel.
Witnesses at the scene described the tension rising rapidly as there was suddenly a new-found enthusiasm for wanting to stare at adverts interrupted by men running into each other rather than men driving around in circles.
Thankfully the dramatic moment passed without any cheeky punch-ups round the back of the pub, and the moving adverts driving round in circles were replaced by, er, more adverts and people eating hot-dogs.
Despite the incident having seemingly passed, it later transpired that an extended post-it note of an
passive aggressive nature surfaced and began circulating on the internet, where this spectacle of people running into each other was described as a ‘terrible sport played by terrible people‘. I personally think that all people who engage in voluntary exercise are deplorable creatures, but there we go.
So this is where the ‘eureka’ bit happened. There was a mild disagreement over the internet, so therefore the next obvious step was for SUSU to call a referendum. It is unclear what the question will be, but rest assured that a consulting group will be set up, and this question will be debated and decided over multiple meetings with copious amounts of office water and biscuits being consumed.
It is hoped that the referendum will take place in a few weeks’ time, as this issue is clearly a highly contentious one, and I certainly would want a thorough investigation to take place before the referendum is held. Current intelligence suggests that there will be a week of campaigning over what channel to have on in the Stags – with passionate debates and interviews leading up to the referendum expected to occur.
Disclaimer: The Wessex Scene is remaining impartial on this issue, as what everybody really wants to watch are constant repeats of Jeremy Kyle and Judge Rinder. Or Storage Hunters.