In a shocking turn of events, music videos released by notorious has-beens Coldplay and the ever controversial Beyoncé have literally destroyed the culture of the world’s most diverse country. By miswearing jewellery or showing religious events to be some sort of sanitised middle-class-Westerner-friendly paint party, the Indian government has today apparently announced an end to their culture.
Speaking exclusively to Pause, the spokesman for President Narendra Modi allegedly gave us the following statement:
“We might well be the largest democracy in the world and a nuclear power tipped to be the next superpower, but I don’t think our ancient civilisation can hold up to this attack. We might have the world’s oldest organised religion and arguably the most beautiful literary language in the world, not to mention the cuisine, but I’m not really sure all of that can survive this. Our way of life has survived natural disasters, oppression by the Mughals, British colonialism, numerous wars with Pakistan and the retirement of Tendulkar from international cricket – but these music videos by waning pop stars really take the biscuit.”
The religious rites, festivals and celebrations of the Subcontinent’s faiths has long been under assault by kids from Surrey on gap years, the sort of people who grow up to ruin music festivals by taking children to them while wearing Cath Kidson wellies, seeking things to post on Instagram. However, neither Beyoncé nor Coldplay can get away with it, being a bit too old for that sort of thing.
A writer for the Huffington Post or some other godawful online ‘news’ website may have told Pause that the main transgression when pop stars make music videos set in another country is that
“As much as I enjoyed as a younger person going to Asia to try and make myself unique and bring some pseudo-experience to my sanitised existence, the idea of people who just can’t grasp the whole holistic unique cultural spiritual experience of spending a whole summer in a hot country having their perceptions of a uniquely diverse country warped by pop videos is abhorrent.”
Similar attacks on Indian culture and civilisation have included the creation of the Balti in Birmingham and tea being an important part of the British and Russian cuisine, despite both countries being too miserable and cold to actually grow tea. Furthermore, England’s attempts to have a quality spin bowler suited to Indian pitches are below mockery. Professor Jenkins from the Institute for Experts told us that cultures and civilisations the world over have to be kept isolated from any outside influence or interpretation – and to allow oneself to be influenced by other cultures, especially if you didn’t go to a nice school, is to commit acts of oppression on a par with the most horrendous excesses of the colonial era.