Britain Set For Return To 1980s

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In a turn of events that has surprised few, Britain is currently on course for complete nostalgia for c.1986 by having another Iron Lady in charge. Theresa May’s pitch to become the next Conservative leader and Prime Minister included a promise to perm her hair and never be seen in public without a threateningly large and stoutly built handbag. She has also promised to take elocution classes to develop a deeper voice and start a war with another tinpot Latin American quasi-dictatorship.

 

A historian from the Institute for Research told BBC Radio 4 today about how now is the perfect time to complete the project of returning to 1980s, like an episode of Ashes to Ashes that never ends. Professor Peach told the programme to “think about it. Not only is there a strong female leader of the Conservatives just waiting to happen, but so much else needed is happening. The Labour Party is in the pocket of militant trade unions and hardcore socialists, and engaged in civil war. Northern England is in a state of near-war with London and the South. And, of course, the Eurocrats are up to all sorts and have even more ridiculous names than ever. How many good Sun headlines are they going to get out of ‘Jean-Claude Juncker’, let along ‘Herman Van Rompuy’?”

Critics of this project have pointed out that in the 1980s the England football usually stood a fair chance of doing well in international competitions. Also, the requirement to fight a war with Argentina might suffer given that Argentina presently cannot afford food, let alone guns and missiles. Some pundits have suggested that Spain could act as a stand-in for the failed Hispanophone state seeking a quick win against Britain over some forsaken colonial relic, but this would be considered an unfair match as Britain would already have half a million football hooligans in-country.

World events may very well help with this project. We are faced with the prospect of another bombastic former-entertainer Republican in the White House, who Theresa May can pal up to like the good old days. Russia is in the grip of paranoid old men and France is run by the bloody Socialists.

Pause’s Anachronistic Correspondent spoke to Theresa May about these plans, and particularly about how young voters, but only the sort of young voters we smart-arsed students like, would respond to this dramatic change in policy. She told us that “I don’t see why you young people would be against this. It would more or less signal a return to an era with superior dance music and where MDMA has only just been discovered. I read in the Tab countless self-indulgent articles about MDMA and ‘raves’ and surely a return to the era that gave birth to such cultural movements would suit you all. Until I criminalise it.”

Jeremy Corbyn, at the time of writing still Labour Leader (They have yet been able to drag him out of his office, although there are scratch marks all over his desk now), has in a rare show of agreement with the government, welcomed the return to this long-past age. “I haven’t had an original idea since 1984 so a return to a time when my dream of a socialist revolution was something to be taken seriously and not something that only your Granddad in Blackburn still believes in would frankly suit me down to the ground”. He left the press conference after apparently accepted a brown envelope from a man called Konstantin.

Margaret Thatcher was unable to give comment, although plans to power half of London by connecting a turbine to her spinning in her grave are due to be operational in 2019.

 

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Pause Editor 2015/6, 2nd year History student, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I also do a bit of Travel.

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