Pronouncements From Comrade Chairman Corbyn

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Insidious Counterrevolutionary Elements Purged by Righteous Party Leadership

Comrades! A most insidious plot against our glorious party, revolution and the people of this land was today discovered by loyal citizens. Chairman Corbyn, speaking from his bunker underneath the offices of The Guardian, has vowed to destroy the forces of “Revisionist Blairite-Etonian-Bullingdonite conspirators, the running dogs and lackeys of the imperialist forces at work against our Socialist Utopia”. Denouncing the lead running-dog and plotter against the Party, Angela Eagle, top Party officials vehemently attacked this abuse of the trust placed in Party members by subversive counter-revolutionary elements who sold out on the principles of Marx, Engels, Lenin and the fat bloke who runs the lefty bookshop, in return for the 30 pieces of silver offered by the hysterical Imperialist-Reactionary-Farageite powers who obsessively seek to undermine State and Party. A tribunal of Party officials has determined the guilt of this lackey and a formal trial under Comrade Justice McDonnell will take place next week. There is no case to be entered by the defendant, who agreed to sign a confession while held in custody at Paddington Green. The infiltrators, plotters, subversives and anybody associated with this latest outrage against our decency will face the penalty of 30 years hard labour in the Quinoa Fields.

 

The Final Victory is nigh and Comrade Chairman’s benevolent and skilled guidance must not be compromised at this critical moment. The weakness of the Cryptofascist Tories, hated by all true members of the proletariat, has never been so apparent and the Party must crash down hard on the heads of the vermin who seeks to destroy our Party and State from within. Although the bunker is currently surrounded by the forces of the Fascist Demagogue May, a Clarksonite traitor to the proletariat, our Great and Noble Leader has a plan to secure to the Final Victory within the next few months. Only one more push is required Comrades.

 

Rumours of Politburo Divisions are Capitalist Propaganda

There have been alarming reports in the Capitalist-sympathising illegal press of division and weakness at the very top of our beloved Party. Citizens, this is nothing but lies and falsehoods, orchestrated by the arch-fabricator, that base cur Rupert Murdoch, who despite imprisonment in the penal colony of Australia has failed to desist on transmitting his lies and nonsense to the people. Speaking to the people, Comrade Thornberry, Minister for Foreign Affairs on the Politburo, flatly denied all rumours of a coup in the Kremlin against Chairman Corbyn and threatened with a sentence in the Quinoa Fields any citizen found to be repeating the lies of decadent Western forgers and their lapdogs. Taking the opportunity to address the adoring crowd, the Comrade then unveiled a new defence policy as part of the next Five Year Plan. The People’s Armed Forces are henceforth to be armed with rifles that no longer fire, however the rifles will be produced as before as part of the plan to increase industrial production. Firing rifles will only be issued to Commissars and members of the Party’s Defence Troops. A recent reshuffle within the Politburo can be attributed to several Comrades falling ill at the same time, Comrade McDonnell is investigating reports of Imperialist sabotage.

 

 

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Pause Editor 2015/6, 2nd year History student, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I also do a bit of Travel.

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