Jean-Claude Juncker ‘Actually A Failed Bond Villain’

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Top EU officials, on the eve of Theresa May invoking Article 50, made a startling revelation about the Commission President who will be largely overseeing the negotiating process. It appears that Jean-Claude Juncker is not a human like you or me, but a character written for a cancelled Bond film from the late 1980s, the working title of which was ‘Shag Me Another Day’ and was to star famous adult film star Ben Dover as 007 before the film was scrapped due to financial issues.

 

The German Minister for European Integration and Reassuring Europe It’s Not Like Last Time, Ursula von Brussels, made the shocking revelation when she appeared on Andrew Neil’s This Week visibly intoxicated, presumably on wine grown by lazy French subsidy junkies in the Aquitaine or the sort of beer that lobotomised Essex boys drink when they want to be sophisticated.

 

 “Frankly I’m surprised this hasn’t been more obvious to people in the past. We have an alcoholic with sociopathic tendencies from Luxembourg, a country I’m not entirely sure actually exists as our malevolent overlord. Seriously, have you been there? It makes Belgium look like a valid country. With an absolutely ridiculous name like ‘Jean-Claude Juncker’, he can only have been a villain in one of the crap Bond films they used to have in the 80s after Sean Connery that went a bit out of hand. Not even your famous Fake News, the term in Europe for a news story we disagree with you see, tabloids cottoned onto this one. Britain, I am disappointed.”

 

Jean-Claude Juncker was unavailable for comment, however when Pause’s European Correspondent contacted his office, he was seen through the window to be stroking a white Persian cat while making increasingly bombastic statements about how much money he was going to demand from Theresa May lest he fire a nuclear missile from the inside of a volcano at London [But surely nothing of value would be lost? – Editor] and concoct elaborate deathtraps for British negotiators. However, we were able to find Luxembourg on a map after considerable difficulty, and the piles of empty wine bottles outside his office after far less difficulty, proving that the accusations are true.

 

David Davies, the borderline lunatic chosen as Britain’s primary representative in the most complicated negotiations since the Second World War since deciding who would pay for what after a takeaway was ordered to late-night discussions by John Major in 1994, has pointed out that the primary ‘adversary’ of Britain being a figure presumably defeatable by a bog standard alcoholic womaniser in MI6 makes Britain’s position very strong in the years of negotiations to come, as he would be able to escape from Junker’s elaborate death traps laid for the plucky British delegation. “Brexit means Brexit”, he said while remaining assured of the certainty given by this response.

 

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Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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