WW3 Cancelled Due To Technical Difficulties

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The long-awaited cup final between the USA and North Korean missile forces has been postponed due to leaves on the North Korean missile launch pads. After a tendering process to outsource leave-sweeping at the top-secret nuclear bunkers and launch sites resulted in a contract awarded to Great Western Railways, the rockets meant to signal Armageddon failed to be deployed by North Korea. Billed as the biggest nuclear standoff since Richard Nixon vomited after his 34th shot of vodka at a top-level summit with Brezhnev in 1972, the team captains are undoubtedly disappointed by this outcome.

 

The teams were led this year by an overweight megalomaniac with an increasing irrational grasp on reality and poor hair, and Kim Jong-Un. The game was to be refereed by Vladimir Putin. Key players identified as ones to watch by BBC pundits Clare Balding and Gary Lineker included the recent new US signing of the ‘Mother of all Bombs’, previously on loan to Afghanistan, as well as the long-standing Minuteman ICBM and Tomahawk cruise missile, linchpins of the American midfield line-up and Trident, which is on loan from the British team for match experience before the scheduled game against Spain in 2019. The North Korean side is younger and lacks experience compared to the American side but has a strong youth team and good prospects in the next decade.

 

The US captain, Donald Trump, expressed his disappointment on twitter that the other side couldn’t even get the basic technical issues right before threatening all-out superpower confrontation and challenging the current cup winners. Especially considering the strong performance by his team in the pre-season warm-up friendly match against Assad’s Allstars, the American team is greatly irritated by this match cancellation.

Blaming the ‘Western Imperialist Capitalist Running Dogs’ of the English railway company maintenance was tendered out to, several senior Great Western engineers and representatives in North Korea were fed to a pack of starving dogs. The dogs will then be served at a feast in Pyongyang to Jong-Un and his mates.

 

Geopolitical experts at your friendly Wessex Scene have been consulting with our mate who works at Ladbrokes trying to get the pools bets for when the re-match will take place and who will win. Current favourites are for a rematch later this year and a score-draw result, however a bet we recommend with a good return would be an accumulator on Turkey and Spain being knocked out of the group stages in the World War Cup in 2020 with a semi-final grudge-match between Germany and Poland.

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Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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