Hoovers of Southampton Student Houses Plead for ‘Humane Use’ in Week Ahead


It’s the season of rushed student house clean-ups. Across Southampton, as normal student house contracts terminate on 30th June, the sounds of students furiously scrubbing, washing and scouring their houses can be heard.

Students curse themselves and their housemates to oblivion for leaving it to the last week to make their house not stink like a month-old plate of camembert left outside of the fridge. Soon, they should be able to see their bedroom floors, although, they may not want to. Deposits simply have to be kept and Mrs Satan, the landlady, expects the house to look cleaner than the Palace of Versailles, or else you can say au revoir to your deposit.

It can be a stressful time for all and rash arguments between best friends can occur. Most of all though, the real victim at this time is the household hoover, expected to clean up all manner of rubbish which will clog it up and damage it for future use. Deeply aware of this fact, the Southampton Student House Hoovers’ Union (SSHHU) has issued a ballot-backed statement pleading for the ‘humane use’ of hoovers in the week ahead:

We, the honourable hoovers of student houses in the Southampton area (sorry Winchester hoovers, we don’t speak for you now the shuttle bus has stopped running its term time service) beg of Southampton students to please use us with care over the next week. We appreciate it’s a stressful time, but that’s no reason to try and stuff non-cooked pasta up our nozzles!

Please be sensible – we’re only meant to collect dust and very small specks of things, like crumbs. Last year, 24 hoovers laid down their lives in your quest to keep the entirety of your student deposits. We appreciate the one that caught fire might have been on us, but the rest came to premature ends due to reckless use – to the student who tried to get one of our comrades to swallow a cactus, shame on you!

So, please, we request humane use only of hoovers in the week ahead.

It’s understood that some final year students who bought their own hoovers plan to sell them after next week. A spokesperson for SSHHU told Wessex Scene that they’d appreciate it if these hoovers were picked up quickly, otherwise, they’ll keep collecting dust.

While SSHHU has no power to stop the misuse of hoovers, nor sanctions direct action against their human masters, prominent union member Henry Hoover has apparently threatened to pull out of a beach picnic in Bournemouth on 1st July if the plea goes unheeded. More than 8,500 people plan to go to the event. Organisers responding to the news of Mr Hoover’s potential absence have said it would certainly lead to a vacuum in proceedings.

Hetty Hoover, another union member, has told Wessex Scene that she plans on attending the event, even if Henry fails to turn up, as the event is aimed at recognising the contribution of Henry Hoover to society. Hetty said that Henry’s absence would just further prove that ‘he’s always been a bit of a dirtbag’.

Disclaimer: Article may be satirical in nature.


Editor 2018-19 | International Editor 2017/18. Final year Modern History and Politics student from Bedford. Drinks far too much tea for his own good.

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