Student House Move-Out Spoon Wars to be Resolved by the UN

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The UN has agreed to intervene to try to mediate between student house factions warring over the ownership of a spoon.

The six-bedroom house of 94 Middle Upper Portswood Road has been the scene of conflict between those who support Tracey Cucchiaia’s claim to ownership of The Spoon and those who believe in the legitimacy of the claim held by Scott Lusikka. Ownership has been in dispute for several months now, and after moving out, things have come to a head, with Tracy still owning the spoon, a fact that Scott insists on opposing ‘out of principle’.

Tracey argues the spoon belongs to her as she brought it to the house, originally having nicked it from her Mum’s cutlery set before coming to uni. Scott does not dispute the spoon’s origins but argues he now has the legitimacy to claim rightful ownership, having been the sole user of the spoon for the last 9 months. Tracey’s most prominent supporter Stacey has suggested while this is true, that might be because Scott re-used it immediately or let it fester unclean in his room when not in use. Tracey has resorted to nicknaming Scott in the house group chat ‘The Spoon Usurper’, while Scott has put about the rumour that her surname when translated from Italian to English means ‘bucket’.

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While for the most part hostilities have taken the form of words and heated arguments, during the last days at university, things escalated. Foodstuffs were thrown, with fellow housemates Lucy’s gravy and Jim’s blancmange being the first victims in what is now known as The Spoon Wars.

In the spirit of reconciliation and to preserve the remainder of Jim’s blancmange, Lucy and Jim, who sit on either side of the spoon conflict, but also sleep together, jointly penned a letter to the UN. They appealed for the international organisation to dispatch a peacekeeping force and mediate in the dispute. Somewhat surprisingly, the UN picked up their request, albeit during the summer-long ceasefire. The New York-based organisation has also issued this statement:

On 29th June, we received a communication informing us of an escalating situation at 94 Middle Upper Portswood Road in Southampton. It is clear that the disputed ownership of a beautiful yellow spoon has destabilised the area.

As an initial step, we have dispatched four peacekeepers to the house. We have also, following a UN Security Council (UNSC) resolution, requested all parties involved in the conflict come to a mediation forum specially convened to defuse The Spoon Wars. The UN is hopeful that through dialogue and mediation, the conflict can be resolved in a peaceful manner.

The UNSC resolution on the matter reads as follows:

The United Nations Security Council has unanimously approved the following actions in regards to the conflict known as The Spoon Wars:

Recognising the hurt feelings of all parties involved…

Mourning the loss of 80% of Jim’s blancmange…

Concerned that the conflict may escalate further…

Authorises the formation of a mediation forum to attempt to resolve the conflict and…

Requests Tracey and Scott and their key supporters attend.

Some have questioned the wisdom of the UN intervening in what appears to be a trivial matter, especially when the Yemeni and Syrian Civil Wars still continue. However, a UN spokesperson who did not wish to be named cited the fact that ‘anything involving members of the UNSC permanent five in armed conflict, whether directly or indirectly, rarely gets resolved these days’. It’s also understood that the UNSC is very much worried about the conflict’s possible escalation after British intelligence confirmed that both Tracey and Scott have recently been ‘extensively researching’ Australia’s Emu War of 1932.

Only time will tell if the conflict can be resolved amicably, or someone annexes the spoon. Whose side are you on? Have your say in the poll below?

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Editor 2018-19 | International Editor 2017/18. Final year Modern History and Politics student from Bedford. Drinks far too much tea for his own good.

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