By far the most misunderstood profession is that of the clown, as they have gone from the bumbling jesters bringing smiles to the faces of children, to the thing of nightmares for many. Most clowns across the country have since fallen on hard times, facing job insecurity and little sympathy from others.
‘This is my life,’ Mr Flopsy, professional clown and chairman of the British Association of Clowns, weeps to me as we’re sat at absurdly small children’s chairs and a table. ‘I practically have to beg for bookings nowadays, things just aren’t the same’.
The birthday boy, Jack, aged 6, approaches, sets his eyes on Mr Flopsy with his bedraggled hair, battered red nose and faded white make-up streaked with tears, and begins to cry.
Mr Flopsy puts his vodka-filled hip flask to his lips. ‘It’s awful’.
Awful it is indeed, but, thankfully for individuals in this tough career, they have managed to find some solace in the Tory leadership contest as hopeful Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has declared that he’s happy to represent all clowns across the country in a video that reportedly took 5 hours to film due to all of the bumbling, as can also be seen in the video below:
Mr Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is a well-known, popular but controversial figure in British politics who faces off against Jeremy Hunt in the ongoing contest. (Click here for a completely unrelated article of all the times Hunt’s name has been mispronounced on live television and radio).
According to Mr Flopsy, he has received thousands of emails from other clowns expressing support for Mr Johnson in the leadership race. The BAC recently released this statement:
We are delighted to see Boris Johnson in the leadership race, whose blundering and general buffoonery perfectly represent all clowns across the country. It’s great to have seen Mr Johnson bring his foolishness to the world stage and we can’t wait for the country to be seen as a laughing stock.
Mr Flopsy and I have decided to go to the local pub where he orders the drink of all clowns, a pint of Carling, and still in his ‘uniform’, as he fondly calls it, lights up at the mere mention of Mr Johnson’s name. ‘Now that’s a clown,’ he says with pride, teetering on the back legs of his chair.
‘The way he talks, you can tell he has no idea what he’s on about and is completely winging it. Negotiating a deal during the implementation period after the leave date? Makes no sense, hilar– ‘. He falls to the floor to laughter and obligatory cheers of ‘waaaay’.
Erm, the Implementation Period is actually part of the Withdrawal Agreement. It's in Part 4 of the Agreement, articles 126 to 132. No Deal exit = no Withdrawal Agreement = no Implementation Period. https://t.co/dAr3pJXQ4E
— David Lidington (@DLidington) June 22, 2019
Picking himself up, he continues, ‘like painting buses, I think we can all appreciate the irony in that. Or how about this classic joke of his: Don’t bash the mega-rich, you should be humbly grateful for their tax.’
Presumably to get rid of the taste of the Carling, he fills a glass with water from his novelty water-squirt flower. There’s a glint in his eyes and somehow, I know he’s thinking of the time Mr Johnson obliterated that poor boy playing rugby. Or perhaps he has the image of Johnson left dangling from a zip wire back in 2012.
He tells me that he truly feels represented in British politics at last. At least the upcoming leadership contest has brought joy to someone.
‘And the best part is the clowns who’ll be voting him in,’ Mr Flopsy chuckles, wiping away a tear.