Longest Staring Contest Ever as Man Mistakes Statue for Street Perfomer


The staring competition to end all staring competitions broke out today between Kenneth Keneston and a very real statue outside a local Greggs in Southampton.

Incredibly, Mr Keneston seemed to have believed he had challenged a street performer dressed as a statue of a BTEC version of former British PM Clement Atlee, keeping his eyes locked with those stone-cold dead eyes for well over an hour.

The event attracted a large crowd of onlookers, many of whom managed to capture footage of the world’s second most boring sport of all time, next to golf. The footage did not go viral on the internet.

Police were called to attend the scene after the crowd split itself down the lines of support for Mr Keneston and Mr Fake-Atlee. Barricades were placed between the two sides and riot police were positioned but after one supporter of the statue allegedly looked at a supporter of Mr Keneston ‘funny’, a general kerfuffle broke out, leading to a few spilt teas and dropped sausage rolls.

The kerfuffle led to near riot as 14 arrests were made, and 7 injuries reported, 1 of them life-threatening. All the while, Mr Keneston refused to break eye contact but was eventually quite rightly defeated by the statue.

The contest has gone into the Guinness Book of Records, not as the longest someone has ever held their eyes open without blinking, but as the dumbest contest ever.

Mr Keneston gave a very long thank you speech for the support of the remaining crowd who hadn’t been pepper sprayed or beaten by the police. One eyewitness told of how tear stains marked his cheeks, his glasses now useless as he could practically no longer see.

‘Today started as the dumbest day of my life’, he told them, ‘but now, it’s one of my happiest, thank you all’.


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