Scientists discover that ‘this is the darkest most terrible timeline’


With Boris Johnson voted in by members of the Conservative party as Prime Minister, the threat of global warming, and the existence of Naked Attraction, two scientists have confirmed that we are in fact living in the ‘darkest, most terrible timeline’.

Dr Troy Barnes and Dr Abed Nadir were able to confirm this to be the case by using some very complicated technology, which is way too hard for me to write about, so I won’t even try to.

Mr Johnson’s premiership was the final piece of evidence that they needed to reach their conclusion. They started their study on alternate realities some years ago when the Star Wars prequels were released, hoping to find and travel to a reality where they didn’t exist.

Whilst searching other timelines however, they realised that things in this one were way worse than any others. Measuring ‘evilmetres’ (em), they noticed a spike in darkness with Theresa May’s appointment as Prime Minister (100em), the election of Donald Trump as US President (1000em), and when we realised it, in fact, was not coming home (100,000,000em).

Dr Barnes described the discovery as terrible, but also ‘kind of cool’ because the pair will now start working on a way to travel to the other timelines after the darkest timeline study, which they described as ‘procrastination’.

‘Unfortunately,’ Dr Nadir said, ‘we can’t find one where Firefly wasn’t cancelled, or where Brexit was ever a good idea, so we’re doomed’.

When asked if this timeline would remain the darkest, they declined to comment, saying that they didn’t want to spoil what would happen and that it would be more dramatic for us to experience the story as it unfolded.

However, they did give the teaser that this would at least be the beginning of the end of Johnson’s political career, so there’s that.


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