In a not so shocking discovery, the founder and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, who has often been misreported in the media to be a cold, emotionless robot, has been rescued from Area 51, confirming that he is, in fact, a reptilian who had been imprisoned by the US.
The Area 51 Raid was organised by special forces units, made up of ‘Karens’, ‘Anti-vax Kids’ and ‘Crack Heads’, among other deadly units, who could take over the top-secret US facility to finally let the world ‘see them aliens’. Watching news reporters comically trying to explain what in the f*** Naruto Running is was a bonus to the whole thing, according to the event organiser.
The event had threatened to be completely uneventful and anti-climatic before the discovery, with a leak from Oxford Dictionaries revealing that they had been planning on changing the definition of the word ‘raid’ from ‘a rapid surprise attack’ to ‘milling around for a bit freezing your balls/tits off in the Nevada desert’.
"Area 51" Official attack plan. Or is it a diversion? pic.twitter.com/jWSlVtHEyu
— Antonio Paris (@AntonioParis) July 12, 2019
However, the discovery of Zucc (Zuckerberg’s alien name), which roughly translates to Data Privacy, has proven the power of social media and online s***posting, and has saved the raid, with the group listed as the ‘Rest of Us’ in the attack plans hoping to move on to Area 52, where many expect to find Ben Shapiro living as a reptilian.
Mr Zucc was found and rescued from the top-secret complex by a group of ‘People Armed to the Teeth’, as official documents described them. Mysteriously, after being seen in a struggle with some men in black suits, none can remember the event or if Mr Zucc’s eyes did that thing that you see on (former) conspiracy videos, or whether that was just a trick of video recordings.
He now remains under the protection of the ‘Rock Throwers’, as the ‘Furries‘ among the raiders demand the reptilian be put to death, whilst the ‘Kyles’ of the group argue that they should keep him as a pet, as the wall-punching energy drinkers would any reptile.