From Concerned Mother Milly:
Dear Parents of Portswood Avenue,
I am writing this letter to express my utter disgust at what my child received in their pumpkin handbasket during Halloween. Little Timmy was all dressed up in his Boris outfit ready to receive a couple of sweets from his neighbours. The night went smoothly with very few problems (although one of our neighbours answered the door in a devil’s costume, which isn’t in keeping with this neighbourhood’s Christian aesthetic!), my little boy was absolutely delighted to receive treats from our friends down the road.
It was only when we got home and properly examined the candy did we realise something was wrong.
Amongst the Kit Kats and the Gummy Bears were the following;
- A soggy edition of the unreleased sixth instalment of E. L. James’ ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
- A condom signed by Ice. T
- Baby teeth (3 molars and 2 canines)
- A live gecko
- Human nails
- A smile
- Loose brain cells
- A box of tears
- And finally, a letter reading the following:
They’re coming. The men are coming. Consider this a warning. I need you to hide all of the beans in the house. If you have to rip up the floorboards, do it!
Then I want you to go to the bottom of the garden and hide in the shed. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there to protect you. I love you.
Lanten Sigmund Fenelope, PHD.
This has made my Timmy very upset and has put a strain on my already very fragile marriage. He refuses to sleep in his room for fear of ‘the men’ coming to steal our Heinz. When we take our children out of the house we do NOT expect them to be harassed or traumatized.
I, for one, do NOT want to live in a society where children are handed loose brain cells.
I would appreciate it if us concerned parents could team up and sign the petition at the end of this letter to help stop these unwarranted and ungodly Halloween handouts.
Thanks in advance!
A Very Concerned Mother.