It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chaos: Bublé Arrested Over Sainsbury’s Attack

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Three dead, two injured, and a partridge in a pear tree were among the victims of a brutal and disturbing attack inside Sainsbury’s Portswood Road, which occurred at around 5pm on the 7th November. Residents of the area have been warned to stay indoors and stay clear of this area due to the repetitive and callous nature of this type of violation.

One witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims their livelihood has been shattered because of their experience. ‘It was awful. You never expect to be a victim of something like this because it seems so rare, and yet it happens to people all the time, all over the country’. Describing the events, they said,

It was all over so quickly. I was passing through the refrigerated aisle when all of a sudden, there was this eerie sound that I knew I had heard before. As soon as I realised what it was, it was too late. I grabbed my daughter and held her tightly, waiting for it to be over, hauntingly being told to have a ‘Holly, Jolly Christmas’ over and over again. She’s only four, and still she is being forced to suffer.

The same strain of attacks terrorised the nation Last Christmas, and it seems that such attacks are back again this year. Known as ‘Bublé fever’, this tiresome fad begs people to Step into Christmas months in advance, constantly leading to terror-filled responses. The incident at Sainsbury’s, however, has led to the arrest of Mr Bublé, much to the disappointment of a few people, which is proving to be a turning point in resistance against the early celebration of Christmas.

Up and down the country, people have begun ringing sleigh bells of protest against Bublé Fever, gaining support from followers online. One group, in particular, the Jago Laws Robinson Federation, plaster their motto ‘it’s just too early for Christmas’ online while promoting anti-Yuletide radicalism with their feature on ‘first the aisles, next the music’.

The debate surrounding this topic is considered by psychologists continuously throughout the year. Dr David Kell PhD, a leading researcher for Aberystwyth University, claims that those who perform these acts are ‘desperate for the happy feelings that come with the festivities,’ and that it is simply ‘not okay’. Similarly, psychology graduate Lara Clement argues that ‘a month before’ is acceptable, allowing ‘people to prepare […] but not be overwhelmed’. Perpetrators have been marked as neurotic and unhinged and it is clear to see why.

Police are warning the public to stay indoors for the next month and to only venture into commercial space if completely necessary. Official reports claim that this was not a targeted attack but many sources suggest it could be linked to a wider terrorist plot, or even to an underlying corporate plan of large organisations to trick people into falling for their twisted moneymaking scheme – the true Nightmare Before Christmas.

All that can be said is Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, and there will be no survivors.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns

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