Auntie Adelaide’s Happy Hour: A Seance, Abstinence and Sh*tting Where You Eat

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A cheeky catch-up with your favourite auntie:

It was fireworks night earlier this month, so, to celebrate, a few of my closest acquaintances and I ‘borrowed’ a couple of candles from St.Marks Methodist Church and had a seance. We intended to summon the late husband of Jenny, to ask what time he was arriving. Instead, we accidentally summoned an Egyptian turkey farmer from the 18th century, who had much to say on the 21st-century turkey farming methods.

Oh well, we all make mistakes. If you learn anything from my experience, let it be this:

Always use a mobile phone to text Jenny’s husband!

 

Disclaimer: Advice from Auntie Adelaide should be taken with more than a pinch of salt (and lime!). Happy Hour is every hour for Auntie A, so her judgement is more than a bit impaired.

Question: Dear Auntie, I don’t drink and I’m worried about the university experience. How will I cope with nights out? Will I find friends?

Answer: Of course you will! Plenty of people in 2019 aren’t drinking for a myriad of reasons – from health to trauma – so the list of like-minded individuals you’ll find are endless.

Contrary to popular (British) belief, you don’t need to drink to have a good time.

I personally substitute alcohol for heavy doses of ketamine or failing that, cocaine. And good news, it’s a lot cheaper to take a cheeky pill for a tenner than it is to drink on a night out. Talk about saving money!

Sure, the comedowns are tough on your serotonin resources but if, like me, you’re already chugging antidepressants, then what’s a little more damage to the ol’ decaying mental health? Hope this helped.

Advice: never use money to snort coke- it’s very dirty!

Good Luck xx

 

Question: Shat where I ate and now things are awkward between me and my flatmate. What do I do?

Answer: Oh dear! Been there, done that, bought the customised condoms!

Sleeping with someone you live with has been done for centuries – just look at Cleopatra and her brother. Granted that’s incest but potato, potahto right?

My simple advice is as follows;

Marry him! It’s awkward now, but it won’t be in 5 years when you’re spending Christmas together in the Cotswolds with your 7 adorable babies.

If this is too much, then drop out of university entirely. You’ll never be comfortable in your own home again. Every trip to the kitchen will become a masochistic rendition of ‘Do I need to put makeup on to put dirty dishes in the sink?’

Use this as a fresh start and a chance to explore the new. I heard Mexico is nice this time of year!

Hope this helped.

Well, it’s Vermouth O’Clock, better scurry off,

Love, Adelaide x

P.S-

This week’s Sneaky Drinkies is….

The children’s section of Portswood Library.

What’s a couple of shots of tequila between friends? Watch as childhood friends come to life as you lose all sense of self, guided by the voices of the hungry (hungover) caterpillar and your old friend rainbow fish.

We’re going on a beer hunt, we’re gonna catch a big one!

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