New Year, New Me!

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It wouldn’t be a true celebration for the upcoming year without the inclusion of unrealistic, unnecessary, and sometimes unavoidably funny resolutions. But what resolutions have people set to guide them well into the next decade? And more importantly, how long is it going to be before people realise this is a recklessly unachievable fad?

‘I’m going to stop smoking. (Did you even start?) No. Hopefully, I’ll manage.’ – Jack, 19, sat behind me in psychology A-level

‘To stay away from *insert flirtatious sports team* boys. That be dangerous.’ – Bob, 18, messy

‘To stop keep losing things. Where did you put my bag?’ – My mom, timeless, lost her bag

‘Have a detox of alcohol and scarf-wearing boys.’ – You know who, 18, a bad decision-maker

‘To stop wearing scarves.’ – Scarf boy, age undisclosed, infamous for wearing scarves

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‘I’m going to learn to ride a bike age 21.’ – Matt, uncertain age, doesn’t like travelling faster than 8mph

‘I think I’m going to try and sneak a dog into my uni house.’ – Jack, 19, is a cat person

‘Get with less white boys. Wait, where’s this going?‘ – Anonymous, 20, having a man-purge

‘Less Snobs, more studying.’ – Kam, 22, loves the Birmingham clubbing scene

‘Not to fall in love with any boy that gives me slight attention.’ – Ellie, 19, a bit lonely

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‘Stop drinking, I reckon. New year, new me. (Is that really that likely?) Is it f*ck.’ – Alex, 19, swears he won’t drink again (drank last night)

‘1080p. Do you get it? Screen resolutions? Never mind.’ – Luke, 21, knows I don’t understand his joke

‘To stay at Uni. I’m aiming exceptionally high… But I’m pushing it.’ – Sam, 20, already regretting his uni choice

‘Not to take it too bloody far every night out.’ – Kia, 19, takes it too bloody far every night out

‘To nap less.’ – Charlotte, 22, Editor who loves to nap

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Best of luck to all involved. Have an excellent 2020 everyone!

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns

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