Which Political Leader Are You?


In this era of career politicians and a tired establishment, working out who will screw you over the least is really quite difficult. The expert political analysts at Pause have come up with the solution. Voting on personalities is one thing, but which political personality suits you? Take our scientific test.


Question 1: You go out with your family for a Sunday lunch, but what do you order?

  1. Caviar with a gallon of the finest champagne to drink
  2. Ethically sourced cous-cous fairtrade harvested by blind Peruvian children and some herbal tea
  3. Whatever your spouse tells you to eat
  4. A full Sunday roast, roast beef with all the trimmings, washed down with a pint of bitter
  5. A bacon sandwich


Question 2: You are late for work and your boss asks you why, what do you say?

  1. That you were too busy burning tenners in front of poor people
  2. Your solar powered car didn’t start due to clouds
  3. Your wife was telling you off
  4. You had to stop on the way for a pint. Also too many immigrants on the road.
  5. You were distracted by a rare train passing


Question 3: You win free tickets to any sports event of your choice. Where do you go?

  1. The VIP enclosure at the horse races
  2. All sports involve animal cruelty or oppressing minorities. Stay at home and check your privilege
  3. Something inoffensive like football
  4. A bloody good cricket match, or rugby if it’s against France or Italy
  5. The world chess championships


Question 4: What would your ideal Saturday night be?

  1. Champagne fueled joyriding with minor royals
  2. Lecturing bored family members on gender politics
  3. Watching TV with the family
  4. A pub crawl fuelled by bitter and pork scratchings
  5. Playing with your train set in the attic


Question 5: Where would your dream holiday be?

  1. Jetting off to the Maldives
  2. Ethical tourism to Vietnam, building schools in the delusion of making a contribution
  3. Wherever your spouse wants to go
  4. A good old seaside holiday in Bournemouth
  5. Touring Lincolnshire, making brass rubbings from church doors


Question 6: You are allowed to choose any house to live in, where would you go?

  1. A sodding great country estate with walls to keep oiks out and a grouse estate
  2. A hole in the ground with an ethical quilt for a roof
  3. A three bedroomed semi in the suburbs
  4. A cosy country cottage near a pub
  5. A room with a view over a railway junction


Work out which number you scored the most of and see who you are!

Has he just seen a poor person?
Has he just seen a poor person?

MOSTLY 1s: You are David Cameron! It’s time to up your bonus and trash some restaurants, because you are most like the Tory leader and Prime Minister, David Cameron! The toffee-nosed facade hides a sense of enjoyment gained from sending 4 year old children down the coal mines like in Charles Dickens or something.

Straight outta cloud cuckoo land
Straight outta cloud cuckoo land

MOSTLY 2s: You are Natalie Bennett! It’s a good job that cars would be banned under you, because car-crash interviews are the norm here with Natalie Bennett! Your dream is the day that fairtrade MDMA is a reality, but the woolly facade hides a cynical Malthusian misanthropy. Maybe you should put green dye into the town swimming pool to commemorate the ‘Green Surge’?

Your face when no MPs
Your face when no MPs

MOSTLY 3s: You are Nick Clegg! With no independent voice and even fewer MPs next month, it’s hard being a man who only exists to avoid antagonising others, but Nick Clegg does it. We’re not really sure what you stand for, but you definitely stand for your lack of backbone.

Has Nigel just seen an immigrant?
Has Nigel just seen an immigrant?

MOSTLY4s: You are Nigel Farage! Time to get the pints in, because you’re most like everybody’s favourite national pub bore, Nigel Farage! The Best of British, God Save the Queen, Rule Britannia and boo-sucks to Johnny Foreigner, next time you go to France, drive on the correct side of the road to minimise exposure to the Communist Conspiracy.

Keep calm and look normal
Keep calm and look normal

MOSTLY 5s: You are Ed Miliband! It’s difficult reminding everyone of the weird kid at school, but you do it well. Rumours of an obsession with trains haven’t been denied, and perhaps you could find more eccentric hobbies to pursue. Just don’t order a bacon sandwich.

The writer would like to point out that he has no political bias, he strongly dislikes all the candidates equally.

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Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

Discussion3 Comments

  1. avatar
    Disappointed student

    There’s satire, and then there’s just plain sensationalism and offensiveness. This read about as smoothly as a pumice stone dragged against 100 grit sandpaper.
    I understand that it attempts to offend all parties equally, but I wouldn’t expect something like this to make it past the Tab’s editors, let alone the Scene’s!

  2. avatar

    It would never make it past the Tab’s editors, it doesn’t mention Jesters or any of our beloved BNOCs anywhere.

    Was it more the material that made it abrasive or who the material was aimed at?

  3. avatar
    Triggered Speshul Schnowflake

    OMG so triggered this is going on my tumblr you misogynist cabbage!

    (seriously the writer is a bell end and rings them for fun)

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