At Downing Street today, Theresa May announced her plans to launch the country’s first ever Hunger Games, said to air on ITV2 later this year.
In an exclusive interview, she explained her reasons: ‘I’ve got one word for you all: overpopulation. We can’t have too many people in our post-Brexit colony. Rather than stockpiling Heinz Baked Beans like we’re at a primary school Harvest Festival, I think we need to ensure there are fewer people so I – I mean everyone – can have a fruitful food supply’.
To apply to be on the show, you have to have attended public school and make less than £20,000 a year.
The prize for mutilating your fellow commoner enemies is reportedly a Twix, and a highly sought after blue tick on your Instagram page.
Meanwhile, second prize is death, therefore granting the runner-up a lucky escape from this shambles of a post-Brexit country.
‘It’s a win-win situation’, explains Dominic Rabb.
‘On the one hand you have the sweet release of death and on the other, who doesn’t like a Twix?’
When asked if Parliament were consulted over this decision, Raab looked a bit puzzled and asked what that was.
In response to accusations that PM Theresa May is simply ripping off a dystopian young adult novel series, a spokesperson for her retorted: ‘So it’s okay for Trump to take inspiration from Orwell’s 1984 but our Prime Minister can’t start a literary-inspired dictatorship? This is because she’s a woman, isn’t it? You really ought to be more considerate of equality and people’s rights’.