Former Apprentice Contestant to Become Brexit Secretary

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A former contestant of BBC‘s The Apprentice, Jackie Fast, has been appointed as the new Brexit Secretary by Theresa May, as it is revealed that she is literally ‘just too good at everything’ according to an inside source at No 10.

Jackie Fast was “fired” and kicked off the TV competition show by Lord Alan Sugar in week 9, literally for performing too well in the tasks that were set to test the business capabilities of the candidates.

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The change follows Stephen Barclay’s (pictured above) resignation from the position earlier this week. In an interview with Barclay, the MP for North East Cambridgeshire was eager to make his reasons for resigning clear: ‘I thought it was part of the job, to quit the position well before negotiations are over. I thought we were all supposed to get a go at this. Are we not?’

A No. 10 spokesman alluded to Fast’s accomplishments on the show to justify the Prime Minister’s decision. ‘Let’s be honest, if she can sell hundreds of quid worth of crap high heels in a single order, I think she can get us through this s***show as well’, he said, stirring murmurs of agreement among the crowd of journalists, and even from a few police officers stationed outside No. 10.

Leading Brexiteers displayed excitement over the latest development in the news surrounding Brexit, although reports suggest that Jacob Rees-Mogg was disappointed to find out that the ‘Super Canada’ Brexit referred to Fast (herself a Canadian), rather than the Canada-style deal that he is still droning on about.

Critics have suggested that Jackie Fast’s latest venture into politics could simply be another one of her tactical manoeuvrings that audiences saw during her time on The Apprentice, however. The fear is that she will use her position to back Theresa May into an untenable position, lowering her approval ratings to give her an image of a useless politician, desperately clinging onto power.

Supporters of Fast conversely argue that the Prime Minister already did this to herself during the snap election back in 2017.

Jackie, presumably still on that holiday she announced she would take in The Apprentice taxi cab, has not responded to our requests for a comment.

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