First Day of Brexit Olympics


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The first day of the Brexit Olympics has been a day of mixed success for Team GB in a last-ditch attempt to reach a Brexit deal.

The week of games come after Jacob Rees-Mogg MP said to a constituent that the negotiations should be settled through a pistol duel between himself and chief EU negotiator Michel Barnier.

Critics pointed out this would not have reflected the spirit of Brexit accurately, as it would have been over way too quickly. A week of Olympic games, in which representatives of both sides of the table compete to settle specific parts of the deal, is therefore being hosted instead.

The first day began with the EU cruising to victory in the 4×100 metre relay, and so Northern Ireland will remain within the customs union. The defeat for Team GB was laid at their own feet by most spectators. David Cameron had assured the crowds he would, in fact, carry the baton the entire 400 metres himself, but he caught Theresa May off guard by actually passing her the baton instead. Former Brexit Secretary David Davis hurried next into position, followed by Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, and then Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay, after confusion over who exactly was supposed to be in the race.

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The highlight of the day for many was to see Nigel Farage in the tumbling, performing as many physical somersaults as we saw him perform mental ones in the run-up to the referendum. A flurry of slippery twists and turns came naturally to the former UKIP, now Brexit Party leader. His EU opponent, European Council President Donald Tusk, stunned crowds as well, but Sir Nige took back control of the performance to gain victory. The mandatory celebration of Independence Day on every 23rd of June will now be enforced. Only Stella, Lambrini and Greggs (meat) sausage rolls shall be consumed.

Next came the sailing, in which Tim Martin, founder and chairman of JD Wetherspoon, faced off against the EU Commissioner for Maritime Affairs and Fisheries, Karmenu Vella, to settle the future of British waters and fishing. Things began smooth sailing for Martin as he handled his boat, HMS Brexit, expertly, even if it did look as if he didn’t know what on earth he was doing. This was not enough to bring him to victory, however, as HMS Brexit foundered and sunk halfway through the race and with it, himself and the UK’s chance of regaining its waters and fisheries.

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg thrashed Emmanuel Macron in the fencing after the French President quickly surrendered. This event was widely anticipated as the expertise of each contender in this sport is well known. After all, Macron is French and Rees-Mogg was born in the 18th century. The proud Englishman took gold to give the British public blue passports and straight bananas, at long last.

Finally, Boris Johnson tied with Angela Merkel in the cycling, calling into question what happens next concerning the divorce bill. Mr Johnson, believing he had, in fact, won the race, proudly boasted that all money destined for the EU would instead be put into the NHS. Unfortunately for him, Merkel won the rematch and so the divorce bill stands and Johnson, who must receive a haircut, has since given his firm support to a no-deal Brexit.

Tomorrow will see another day of events that will probably baffle the rest of the world. Games to watch include blind football to decide Britain’s ability to set trade deals with the rest of the world, and Michael Gove and Boris Johnson in the synchronised diving to decide if they should have spread fears about Turkey in 2016.


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