After Boris Johnson’s repeated calls for optimism during the Brexit process, he has suddenly remembered that he is British and has started to act accordingly. Johnson now seems to be very pessimistic about the whole thing, calling for £100 million to be spent on leaflets and TV advertisements warning of the possible consequences of a no-deal Brexit.
Of course, these could be devastating to many people here in the UK. So yes, if the Brexiteers truly are hell-bent on crashing out of the EU without a deal, people need to be prepared by the biggest public information campaign since the end of the Second World War. Oh, the world we live in – this truly is the darkest timeline.
Wessex Scene, however, has managed to get a hold of some of the preliminary advice that Johnson’s team are planning to give to the public in the event of a no-deal Brexit:
Get ‘creative’ with your food
As 28% of our food comes from the EU, the UK may experience some food shortages. So good news for all of those considering a diet – you may just want to start it on October 31st!
We also recommend that you get well accustomed to tinned food before our glorious Independence Day. Baked beans are a good choice, along with baked beans and, well, more baked beans.
Don’t worry, we should have enough chicken from our cousins in the States to keep us going before you start eyeing up the family cat for your next meal. Wouldn’t want you resorting to that Quorn s***, would we?
Just remember, national pride is always worth any drop in living standards!
Prepare for war with Scotland
Englishmen be wary of the Scot, to arms!
The conniving Scots to the north are becoming more and more treacherous by the day, threatening the stability of our great union by calling for the foulest of all ventures – independence. The cheek.
The history between England and Scotland is long and violent, so it’s about time they started kicking off again. If they do side with the Europeans, we must do what we do best and invade for peace, so sign up and take the Queen’s shilling today.
Consider holidaying in Britain
As the pound lowers in value, you may want to reconsider your holiday abroad in Europe as things essentially become more and more expensive for our superior pound to purchase.
Of course, we have many alternatives already; swap the beaches of Spain for Cornwall, the Eiffel Tower for the Blackpool Tower and the canals of Venice for the waterways of, uh, Bradford-on-Avon?
In fact, it’s well-known that Rome copied the Roman architecture of the ancient city of Bath, so head on over.
Otherwise, fuel up your caravans, dust off your tents and get yourself to the great British countryside!
Rest assured it’ll all be over soon
The rioting may last a couple of days, the economic and political fallout several years (if not decades), but aren’t we used to it after 9 of austerity?
Hold your blue passports close, eat your straight bananas and rest assured we’ll probably, maybe, hopefully, dear god, hopefully, get that £39 billion.